European Union Introduces “Adopt-an-Italian” Program


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(Dreadmonger Brussels Bureau) – In a joint announcement today in the foyer of the headquarters of the European Union in Brussels, German Chancellor Angela Merkel and France’s President Nicolas Sarkozy announced the “Adopt-an-Italian” program on behalf of the European Union. The program, initiated in response to the expanding debt crisis in Europe, allows for legal, time-based international adoptions of famous Italian citizens.

“We are offering this service,” said Chancellor Merkel, ” in order to provide an opportunity for citizens of the world to adopt an Italian person of international renown for a week-end, for a month, or perhaps for an indefinite period of time.”

“We are honored to announce,” added President Sarkozy, “some of the Italians who have made themselves available to assist their nation and the European Union in this time of financial distress. They include Silvio Berlusconi, Giorgio Armani, Roberto Benigni, and Sophia Loren.”

“In addition to celebrity adoptions,” said Chancellor Merkel, “we plan to offer a variety of professional Italians for adoption as well. This includes plastic surgeons, auto mechanics, and designers of fine Italian footwear. We plan, in the future, to offer a line of fine Italian chefs too.”

“And, as a special bonus,” added President Sarkozy, “we have added Placido Domingo to our celebrity list. He is not Italian but, as a former member of the 3 Tenors with Luciano Pavrotti, we thought it appropriate to include him. And, let’s be honest, outside of Europe, nobody will know the difference anyway.”

“And, as a special bonus,” said Chancellor Merkel, “we will include 6 Greek domestic workers to accompany our adoptees and provide an additional resource for the adopters. We recognize that some of our adoptees are high maintenance and, we believe the addition of the “Bonus 6-Pack of Greeks”, as we call it, will provide the level of care that our celebrities expect. And, now that we own the Greeks, the cost is minimal.”

Dreadmonger reporters attempted to contact Ms. Loren and Mr. Armani for comment but, thus far, they have not returned our calls.

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Nancy Pelosi’s Visa Windfall Profit – “It’s Not True and That’s That”

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House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi is not a happy camper. Steve Kroft, veteran CBS News60 Minutes” correspondent, attended Leader Pelosi’s news conference when she refused to grant his request for a one on one interview. Kroft was eager to hear Leader Pelosi’s response to allegations in last Sunday’s “60 Minutes” broadcast that she and her husband received windfall profits from an IPO investment in credit card giant Visa while legislation affecting the credit card industry was making its way through the House of Representatives. According to Kroft’s report, Leader Pelosi was Speaker of the House when the transaction occurred in March of 2008.

The exchange went something like this:

Kroft: Madam Leader, I wanted to ask you why you and your husband back in March of 2008 accepted and participated in a very large IPO deal from Visa at a time there was major legislation affecting the credit card companies making its way through the —through the House.

Nancy Pelosi: But —

Kroft: And did you consider that to be a conflict of interest?

Pelosi: The — I — I don’t know what your point is of your question. Is there some point that you want to make with that?

Kroft: Well, I — I guess what I’m asking is do you think it’s all right for a speaker to accept a very preferential, favorable stock deal?

Pelosi: Well, we didn’t.

Kroft: You participated in the IPO. And at the time you were the speaker of the House. You don’t think it was a conflict of interest or had the appearance–

Pelosi: No, it was not —

Kroft: — of a conflict of interest?

Pelosi: —it doesn’t — it only has appearance if you decide that you’re going to have — elaborate on a false premise. But it — it —  it’s not true and that’s that.

Kroft: I don’t understand what part’s not true.

Pelosi: Yes sir. That — that I would act upon an investment.

Leader Pelosi’s office responded in a separate swipe at Kroft and “60 Minutes” this past Monday, saying that “Congress has never done more for consumers nor has the Congress passed more critical reforms of the credit card industry than under the Speakership of Nancy Pelosi.”

The IPO or initial public offering, was offered to then Speaker Pelosi’s husband by his broker, Wells Fargo Shareholder Services, on “a  limited basis to institutional investors and a group of specially selected individuals” at $44 per share. Leader Pelosi and her husband bought 5000 shares. Within a day or two, the stock shot up to $64 per share, yielding a tidy profit. The stock trades somewhere north of $93 today. It is estimated that the Pelosi’s currently own 19,000 shares of Visa stock.

Dreadmonger contacted Minority Leader Pelosi’s office for a comment about “specially selected individuals” but, thus far, they have not returned our calls.

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Alec Baldwin Declared “Greatest Living Hypocrite” by Guinness


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(Dreadmonger London Bureau) – Guinness World Records, Ltd. announced today in London that Alec Baldwin has been declared “World’s Greatest Living hypocrite” for his recent string of scathing tweets associated with the Occupy Wall Street movement.

Baldwin has repeatedly declared his support for the movement centered in Zuccotti Park in New York City, despite the fact that he has been the long-time TV pitchman for Capital One Credit Cards, a division of Capital One Bank, N.A., one of the largest banking conglomerates in the U.S.

Tweeting today about Mayor Bloomberg‘s action to clear the park last night, Baldwin said, “Bloomberg’s NY is no place for the 1st amendment. Bloomberg serves Wall Street, now and forever. And Wall Street cannot handle free speech.”

Baldwin went on to say, “NYC bends over backwards 2 give costly tax breaks 2 corps that threaten 2 leave NY. Whether those corps create sufficient jobs or not.”

Baldwin visited the Occupy Wall Street “Base Camp” in Zuccotti Park on October 18 to offer his support to loyal protesters. Baldwin was followed by chanting Ron Paul supporters and only stayed on site a short time.

Baldwin recently completed filming on his latest Capital One “Whats in your wallet?” commercial.

Sir Rudy Gilfalstone, Executive Managing Director of Awards for Guinness World Records, Ltd., told reporters from Dreadmonger that Baldwin was a natural pick for the award.

“As we have seen,” said Sir Gilfalstone, “Mr. Baldwin has done a superb job of displaying his sputtering, righteous indignation at those who would give opposition to the Occupy Wall Street movement while at the same time, perfecting his smarmy delivery as chief credit card pitchman for one of the largest banks in the world. We see this as rather exquisite irony. Mr. Baldwin wins the ‘World’s Greatest Living Hypocrite’ award hands down. Simply an epic performance. Marvelous, really.”

“And, to be perfectly honest,” said Sir Rudy, “we did not have anyone else who approached this expert level of hypocrisy. The only other person we looked at was Michael Moore. For obvious reasons, we chose not to go with Mr. Moore.”

Dreadmonger will cover the Guinness Awards Ceremony pending the scheduling of that event.

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Mayor Bloomberg Closes Occupy Wall Street to Install Food Court

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(Dreadmonger – Zucotti Park) At a press conference held this morning on the steps of City Hall, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced that Zucotti Park, home of the original Occupy Wall Street movement, had been cleared of all protesters, tents, tarps and sleeping bags, in order to be cleaned and prepped for the installation of a food court. Police officers moved in last night to remove protesters and to clear the area to allow New York sanitation workers to begin their efforts to clean and sanitize the park. 200 arrests were made in the process but, no serious injuries were reported.

The new food court will open for business on Monday, November 21, just in time for the Thanksgiving holiday. The new facility will be anchored by a McDonald’s and will include a Panda Express, a Sbarro Italian Deli, an Orange Julius, a Hot-Dog-On-A-Stick, and a Pinkberry Frozen Yogurt shop.

“The Occupy Wall Street movement,” noted Mayor Bloomberg, ” has reached a size and permanency where we believe the nutritional needs of the protesters are best served via a food court model not unlike what you might find at your local shopping mall. This allows for fast and convenient food service to protesters in a compact area. The food court will offer, if I may say so, a good deal of variety at a great price. We plan to have good old American cheeseburgers from McDonalds, Chinese food from Panda Express, Italian cuisine from Sbarro’s, the ever popular Hot-Dog-On-A-Stick, and frozen yogurt from Pinkberry’s for a refreshing, low-fat dessert.”

Reporters from Dreadmonger asked the mayor if there was any truth to the rumor that plans had been discussed with the Mayor’s Office to open additional retail outlets. Reporters noted that rumored deals for an Urban Outfitters store, a Wicks & Things candle store, and a Build-A-Bear store, along with competing stand-alone kiosks for AT&T and Verizon cell phones, have been swirling around City Hall in the days leading up to today’s announcement.

The mayor responded, “We are in discussions with a number of companies about the possibility of providing those retail outlets that might best serve the demographic we see here with the protesters in the park. But, let me assure you, we have not made any deals beyond what I have announced today with the food court. Should we go any further in our efforts to provide services to the peaceful protesters that this great city serves, you folks will be the first to hear about it.”

“Let me remind everybody, New York City is the city to come and express ourselves,” Bloomberg said. “We have a history of being warm and welcoming, and what was happening in Zuccotti Park was not that. It developed into a situation, which was prohibiting a lot of people from expressing their views.”

“We see the addition of the food court services as just one step in addressing some of the deficiencies in the current situation,” added Mayor Bloomberg, “This will be our first step in making Zucotti Park, once again, a warm and welcoming spot for all. Let’s be real here for a minute; how can anyone be angry when you’re drinking a frosty Orange Julius and eating a Hot-Dog-On-A-Stick?”

Dreadmonger called the Build-A-Bear company for comment but, thus far, they have not returned our calls.

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Bill Clinton Endorses Herman Cain

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President Clinton announced today that he would support Herman Cain in his bid for the presidency in 2012.

“There’s just something about that guy that speaks to me,” said President Clinton.

“I know, I know,” continued the president, “I’m crossing party lines here and that won’t be popular. But, sometimes, you have to go with you heart. And, in my heart, I can relate to Herman Cain. I see something of myself when I look at Herman Cain. There is a sympatico there that is impossible for me to ignore”.

When Dreadmonger reporters asked President Clinton if he would comment on the rumors circulating around the beltway that he was helping Anthony Weiner revive his stalled political career, the president replied, “I really can’t comment. Except for this: the Bible says ‘judge not’ and, I think we need to keep an open mind and help out where we can.”

President Clinton excused himself to attend a previously scheduled luncheon meeting with a visiting foreign dignitary. Dreadmonger reporters asked if, as rumored, the president was lunching with ex-Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi.

President Clinton replied, “Well, guys, I really not in a position to confirm that. I’ll just sign off by saying ‘ciao‘.”

Dreadmonger reporters sought comment from Secretary of State Hillary Clinton but our calls were not returned.

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Pelosi & Holder to Ground South Carolina

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House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Attorney General Eric Holder have joined together in a proposal  to punish the State of South Carolina, and its governor, Nikki Haley, by grounding them for the next 30 days.

The two have submitted a proposal to President Obama requesting that South Carolina be grounded for a period of not less than thirty days. The two political leaders have expressed differing concerns about what they see as the state’s continuing defiance of federal statutes.

In an interview on CNBC’ with Maria Bartiromo yesterday, Leader Pelosi was especially critical of the right-to-work state’s support of Boeing in their efforts to operate a non-unionized aerospace manufacturing facility in Charleston, SC.

When Ms. Bartiromo asked Leader Pelosi,”Do you think it’s right that Boeing has to close down that plant in South Carolina because it’s non union?”

Ms. Pelosi’s quick answer was “yes.”

Ms. Pelosi went on to say that she preferred the plant would unionize, but, if it did not, the National Labor Relations Board would be correct in shutting down the manufacturing facility where Boeing plans to build its new Dreamliner aircraft. Boeing is currently defending a lawsuit filed by the NLRB on the issue.

Separately, Attorney General Eric Holder’s Justice Department filed a lawsuit yesterday to stop South Carolina’s stringent new immigration law, arguing that the legislation that requires law officers to check suspects’ immigration status is unconstitutional. Governor Nikki Haley was also named in that lawsuit.

Meeting together late Monday evening, Attorney General Holder and Leader Pelosi drafted a proposal to the White House for an executive order to ground South Carolina for a minimum period of 30 days.

“We see the state, and Governor Haley, behaving like children,” said Leader Pelosi. “So, given that behavior, Attorney General Holder and I thought that it would be appropriate to ground the state for a month. You know, no TV, no going out in the evening or on week-ends with your friends, no X-Boxes or iPhones. That sort of thing.”

Attorney General Holder added, “We think that this proposed action also sends a message to states like Alabama and Arizona. We want to make sure our intent is clear. We are perfectly willing to take away their privileges as well if they don’t shape up.”

Dreadmonger has attempted to reach the White House for comment on the proposal but they have not returned our phone calls.

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“Authentic” Protesters to Occupy Occupy Wall Street

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(Dreadmonger – Zuccotti Park) Saul (no last name given) is rallying his troops for a march on Zuccotti Park. Saul is the titular leader of a group dubbed the  “Authentic” protesters who are launching their bid to occupy Occupy Wall Street.

“These guys,” Saul told reporters from Dreadmonger this afternoon, “are totally bogus. I heard on NPR today that they have trademarked the name ‘Occupy Wall Street’. Just look around you, man, look at all the bogus t-shirts. Somebody’s cashing in here. We’re going to put a stop to these materialistic pigs. We are going to occupy Occupy Wall Street!”

It seems that Saul, and his band of a dozen or so supporters, are out to make sure the protesters in Zucotti Park are genuine in their intentions and not just showing up to cash in on the movement’s newly found success in attracting media attention.

“This started out as a sincere movement,” Saul said, “but, now, it’s all about making a buck on the coat tails of the people who originally came down here to express an idea. To bring unity to the under-represented 99% of America. Now, it’s all about pre-printed signs and silk-screened t-shirts and trademarks, for crying out loud. And Alec Baldwin. Give me a break – guy is on TV hawking Capital One credit cards. He’s coming down here to get on Entertainment Tonight. Him and that fat guy that makes all the documentaries. He seems to show up whenever there’s free stew.”

“So, our mission,” Saul continued, “is to occupy the occupiers. To get them out of our protest. Maybe they can go protest down at Times Square or someplace where they can get better media coverage for their new t-shirt designs.”

Dreadmonger will provide updates as the “Authentic” protesters launch their occupation.

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Media Vows to “Occupy Marco Rubio”

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(Dreadmonger Florida Bureau) New reports that show that Senator Marco Rubio‘s (R-FLA.) parents left Cuba before the Castro regime took power, not after as Senator Rubio had previously claimed, have mainstream reporters incensed and vowing to “occupy Marco Rubio”.

The news, first reported by the Washington Post last Friday, noted that Senator Rubio’s parents had moved to the U.S. in 1957, two years before the Castro regime took power in Cuba. The Post had obtained the information upon examining official records and naturalisation documentation. Senator Rubio had previously claimed on his web-site that his “Cuban born parents…came to America following Fidel Castro’s takeover.”

Senator Rubio has responded to the Post’s article by stating, “”If The Washington Post wants to criticize me for getting a few dates wrong, I accept that.”

But the story has triggered a  media feeding frenzy of attacks on Senator Rubio’s integrity. Calling it a “monster scoop”, Politico’s Keach Hagey noted, “It was a potentially explosive story, one that could call into question the credibility and the essential life story of someone the Republican establishment has rallied around with the kind of high hopes not seen since Ronald Reagan.”

Call Senator Rubio’s story a “lie”, the Huffington Post reported, “Florida Republican and Tea Party favorite Sen. Marco Rubio can add a new line to his political bio: He’s now part of a long list of politicians who have been accused of embellishing basic facts about their personal narratives.”

Chris Matthews of MSNBC said that Senator Rubio was “bragging” about his parents’ exile in a “ruse to make him look like a real anti-commie.”

CNN added,  “Rubio may need a whole book to explain the contradictions surrounding his biography.”

Reporters from CNN, the Huffington Post, the Daily KOS, Politico, and Chris Matthews and Ed Schultz from MSNBC have vowed to camp out on Senator Rubio’s lawn until, as Matthews said, “We get some answers.”

The group has set up a tent city with homemade signs declaring “Occupy Rubio Now!” on the front lawn of Senator Rubio’s Coral Gables home. As of our latest report of Thursday morning, they had been joined there by several dozen protestors.

The group has named Dennis Galbicker as the spokesperson and coordinator for group activities. Dreadmonger reporters caught up with Mr. Galbicker on Senator Rubio’s lawn earlier today.

“We have trademarked the name ‘Occupy Rubio Now!’,” said Mr. Galbicker, “and we are committed to staying here until we get some answers.”

When Dreadmonger reporters asked Mr. Galbicker what answers the movement sought, he replied, “Well, we think that Senator Rubio needs to explain why he has misrepresented his parents’ status as  ‘exiles’.”

When Dreadmonger reporters informed Mr. Galbicker that Senator Rubio had already answered that question, Mr. Galbicker said, “Well, we still have issues that need to be discussed. And, we’re not going anywhere until we get some answers to those questions. I mean, issues.”

Senator Rubio, in telling of the impact of his parent’s journey as exiles, recounted the following story,

“A few years ago, using Google Earth, I attempted to take my parents back to Cuba. We found the rooftop of the house where my father was born. What I wouldn’t give to visit these places where my story really began, before I was born. One day, when Cuba is free, I will. But I wish I could have done it with my parents.”

Dreadmonger will continue to provide updates as the story unfolds.

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VP Biden Cites Threat of Zombie Cannibalism

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(Dreadmonger Decatur Bureau) Speaking at a benefit luncheon today for the Widows and Orphans of the Decatur Policeman and Firefighter’s union (WODPFU), Vice President Joe Biden once again warned that if the key elements of the president’s American Jobs Act bill are not enacted into law, social order in America is at risk of completely breaking down.

“We’ve seen this before,” said Vice President Biden, “we know where this leads. The president’s bill provides for funding of jobs for policemen and firefighters. Now, let’s say that this funding is not approved – and, God knows, as I look around at the heroes in this room, I cannot imagine how it cannot be approved – but, if for some reason the funding is not approved, then it’s simple. Those jobs go away. And as well-documented statistics prove, if those jobs go away, crime goes up. And as we’ve seen time and again, in other parts of the world, when things really break down in a society, the criminal element takes total control. And, ultimately, that leads to zombie cannibals roaming the streets, attacking children, women and small domestic animals.”

The otherwise hushed crowd gasped at Vice President Biden’s description of societal breakdown.

“Now I know, I know,” said Vice President Biden, “some may accuse me of exaggeration. But just look at the facts. We have seen a marked increase in public awareness of this type of rising violent criminal behavior. On TV, in the movies, on your nightly news. It seems as if these fears are spreading like a cancer across our nation. And why is that? I believe it is because we are sensing, as a society, that if we do not act now all will be lost. Just think about your little kitty, or the family dog. Or your wife. It’s just too horrible to contemplate.”

Dreadmonger reporters inquired of Vice President Biden, “Are you aware, sir, that statistics across the nation have shown a declining incidence of violent crime beginning in 2006 and continuing through last year?”

“Are you from Fox News? Did you get those stats from Fox News?” Vice President Biden asked our reporter.

“No sir,” responded our reporter, “those statistics come from the Federal Bureau of Investigation, in their report published in February of this…”

Vice President Biden cut our reporter off here, “Now just hold your horses, son. Everybody knows that you can manipulate  numbers, cherry-picked out of some 2000 page report, to prove or disprove anything you want. I invite all these good people here to do their own research. Talk to your family. Talk to your friends and neighbors. Ask yourselves, ‘do I think I am safe? Do I really feel like I’ll be safe when the cops and firefighter’s aren’t on the job any more? Will my wife and kids be safe?’ I think, if we’re honest with one another, we all know the answer to these questions.”

The crowd erupted in wild applause at Vice President Biden’s remarks.

“So I ask you,” said Vice President Biden, “to join me in supporting this vital legislation. All we have to do is look around. Look at our families. Look at our pets. Think of the consequences and ask yourselves, ‘Is it worth it?’ Join with me and together we will fend off the imminent attacks that threaten to destroy the very fabric of our nation.”

Dreadmoger is on tour with Vice President Biden and will provide updates to this story as they occur.

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Canada Offers to Buy North Dakota

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(Dreadmonger Canadian Bureau) – Rolph Dungarddison, Deputy of Communications for the Prime Minister of Canada announced today that the Canadian Government has made an offer to the U.S. State Department to buy the state of North Dakota.

“We believe,” said Mr. Dungarddison, speaking from the steps of the Capitol  Building in Ottawa, “that there is a good fit for North Dakota within our Canadian family. North Dakotans share a border with Canada and we have had an excellent relationship with our neighbors to the south for over 200 years. It is important to note that North Dakota has economic development opportunities with natural resources associated with the Bakken Shale oil reserves that are not dissimilar to some of the oil sands resources we have developed in Alberta. Canada has, shall we say, a more open process for bringing these opportunities to fruition. We believe that the offer we have made is a good and fair one. And, let’s be honest, the U.S. can use the money.”

North Dakota is rich in natural resources as a result of the discovery of the Bakken formation in recent years. This area will undergo development similar to those areas that Canada has developed to exploit oil sands in Alberta. Additionally, North Dakota has the lowest unemployment rate in the nation and a small population making it relatively easy for Canada to absorb the state with minimal economic disruption.

“With the decline of the U.S. dollar vs. the Canadian dollar, the depressed real estate values in the states, the fact that North Dakota is on the border with Canada, and the attractive natural resources that the state has to offer, we see this as a natural target for Canadian acquisition. We believe we have made a generous offer that the U.S. cannot ignore, given the extreme economic hardships that are being addressed today in the states.”

“And another benefit,” Mr. Dungardisson added,” Now you will be able to re-name South Dakota as ‘Dakota’. Or, ‘New Dakota’. Whatever – your call.”

Dreadmonger has tried to contact the State Department for comment but, thus far, they have not returned our calls.

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“Cop Car Pooping Wimps” – Greek Protesters Denounce Occupy Wall Street

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(Dreadmonger Mediterranean Bureau) Greek protesters today decried the Occupy Wall Street protesters as “cop car pooping wimps.”

Constantine X, who made the charge speaking on behalf of Greek anarchists, went on to say, “These soft-bellied Americans do not have the stomach for real protest. My goodness, sleeping in the park. How naughty these rebels are!”

Aristarchos (no last name), a spokesman for the Greek communist protesters, added, “These people in the Wall Street are wearing their bunny slippers and pooping on police cars while we here in Athens are risking our lives daily to demonstrate our commitment to save our people from this oppressive regime of capitalist Euro-trash. Did you see the brick I just threw at that policeman? Just look at YouTube and you will see me. These Americans don’t know the first thing about protest. Even the Italians know how to burn a car or two.”

“Yah,” continued Constantine X, “these American sissies should have another latte and go home to watch Oprah on TV. This is the real center of global protest, here in Athens. We anarchists are defending the rights of all Greeks against real oppression.”

Aristarchos added, “It’s true. Even these good Greek anarchists are not as wimpy as these American ‘Occupy’ people with their iPads in their sleeping bags.”

“What do you mean, ‘wimpy’?” asked Constantine X.

“I mean,” continued Aristarchos, “everyone knows the real strength here in the streets has been with the communists. You anarchists are soft compared to the sacrifices we communists have made during the many months our protest has endured. You guys only come out on sunny days. When it was raining all last week, there was not a single anarchist in sight. Probably home watching Oprah!”

Your protest? Is that the way it is?” replied Constantine X. “I saw you last week taking a Starbucks break with your girlfriend at a little out-of-the-way place where the press corps hangs out. Probably getting your girl to apply your make-up for your next YouTube video.”

“Anarchist bastard!” said Aristarchos.

“Communist bitch!” replied Constantine X.

At this point Dreadmonger reporters were forced to abruptly end the interview due to the unavailability of Messrs Constantine X and Aristarchos.

Dreadmonger will continue to provide updates to the protests on Wall Street and in Athens as news develops.

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Occupy Wall Street Gains Support of Obama Administration (and Others)

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(Dreadmonger – Zucotti Park – NY) Occupy Wall Street has gained the support of several key interest groups in the past week and it looks as if the Obama Administration is starting to take notice.

Just some of the groups who have announced their support of the movement in recent days:

In addition to the backing the movement has received from key support groups, several influential politicians have offerred their support for Occupy Wall Street as well. They include:
  • Senator Russ Feingold
  • Mohammad Ezzeldin, Egyptian Protest Advocate
  • Van Jones, the Obama Administrations former “Green Jobs Czar”
  • Congressman Barney Frank (D-NY)
  • Jim Lane, leader of the Communist Party USA
  • Iran Mullah Ayatollah Seyyed Ali Khamenei

Speaking of the protest movement, Senior White House Advisor, and head of President Obama’s re-election campaign, David Plouffe recently told Washington Post reporters, “We intend to make it one of the central elements of the campaign next year.”

Vice President Joe Biden, speaking of Occupy Wall Street, said, “The American people do not think the system is fair or on the level.”

President Obama himself has said of the movement, “I think it expresses the frustrations the American people feel, that we had the biggest financial crisis since the Great Depression, huge collateral damage all throughout the country … and yet you’re still seeing some of the same folks who acted irresponsibly trying to fight efforts to crack down on the abusive practices that got us into this in the first place…”

President Hugo Chavez of Venezuela, still recovering from a recent surgery, recently addressed the demonstrators via Venezuela State TV. In response to President Chavez’s message, crowds at the  New York protests erupted with cheers of  joy, raising a giant hammer and sickle in victory. President Chavez said, “This movement of popular outrage is expanding to 10 cities and the repression is horrible, I don’t know how many are in prison now.”

As the movement gains momentum, it is attracting celebrity activists. Kanye West , Michael Moore, Roseanne Barr, Tim Robbins, and Al Sharpton were among those who took time out to visit with protesters in Zucotti Park.

As the president continues his bus tour of North Carolina and Virgina, he is subject to criticism about his credibility on the issue of Wall Street. “The president is vacuuming money out of Wall Street,” said North Carolina GOP chairman Robin Hayes. Hayes made reference to the president’s campaign fund-raising machine which continues to receive millions of dollars from financial firms.

Virginia GOP chairman Pat Mullins added, “You’ve got to wonder why any leader of the free world would condone this kind of thing or even encourage it,” he said, noting that protesters continued to clash with New York policemen daily.

Dreadmonger will provide updates as the story develops.

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President Obama Introduces His “8-8-8 Plan for America”

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(Dreadmonger -Wash. DC) – President Obama announced in his radio address to the nation today that he would introduce his “8-8-8 Plan for America”  in the upcoming weeks. The plan, as sparsely outlined by the President in his radio broadcast today, provides for reform of the nation’s current tax system and addresses some of the issues that he has given voice to in recent weeks on the campaign trail.

“As you all know,” President Obama said, “middle class Americans are hurting right now. The wealthiest among us continue to be the best equipped to take advantage of the tax loopholes in our current system by virtue of the fact that they can afford highly paid tax attorneys to shelter their income. Our antiquated tax code allows for this via numerous exemptions and loopholes that were designed by and for the rich.”

“But, where does that leave regular Americans? Under the current system, that leaves regular folks carrying a larger share of the burden than they should. This is simply not fair. So, today, I am announcing a new tax reform plan that I have dubbed my ‘8-8-8 Plan for America’. This plan will close tax loopholes for millionaires and billionaires, eliminate write-offs for oil and gas leases and corporate jets, curtail the exorbitant new bank card fees that we have seen in recent weeks, and address the unfair nature of our current tax system.”

“The plan definitively addresses three different aspects of tax reform, each with a proposal that uses the number ‘8’. I will be introducing the details for my ‘8-8-8 Plan for America’ in the upcoming weeks to a joint session of Congress that I will be calling. And don’t worry, I’ll make sure that this joint session doesn’t conflict with any football games.”

The President’s chief campaign strategist, David Axelrod, was available for a few questions after the address.

Dreadmonger reporters inquired of Mr. Axelrod if there were any similarities between  in the President’s “8-8-8 Plan for America” and Republican candidate Herman Cain’s “9-9-9 Plan”.

“As the President rolls out his plan in the upcoming weeks,” said Mr. Axelrod, “you will see that it addresses some of the very serious flaws that we see in Mr. Cain’s current plan.”

“And clearly,” continued Mr. Axelrod, ” the President’s plan uses 8’s which, as you can see, are lower than the 9’s that Mr. Cain is using in his plan. We think that lowering taxes by one in this period of struggle for middle-class Americans, makes for a more rational and equitable tax plan. And, there’s no sales tax in our plan. We really don’t ike that sales tax part.”

“And finally,” said Mr. Axelrod, “the President has added the ‘for America’ part to his plan.  We think that this addition gives the American people a clear idea of just where the President is coming from with his ‘8-8-8 Plan for America'”.

Dreadmonger will provide details of President Obama’s “8-8-8 Plan for America” as they become available.

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Elizabeth Warren to Pose Nude

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In a press conference held today on the loading dock of the Hercules Electric Battery, Wind Turbine, and Solar Panel manufacturing facility in Lowell, MAElizabeth Warren announced that she has reached an agreement with Maxim Magazine to pose in the nude for their upcoming December 2011 issue.

“I believe this makes a statement,” said Ms. Warren, “about just how serious I am in my candidacy for Senator of the great state of Massachusetts.”

Ms. Warren is apparently responding to a jab from her opponent Senator Scott Brown. A student questioner at last week’s debate, co-sponsored by the Boston Herald and the University of Massachusetts at Lowell, noted that Senator Brown had posed for a nude layout in Cosmopolitan Magazine to pay for his college tuition. The student went on to ask how Ms. Warren had paid for her student fees. Ms. Warren quickly quipped “I kept my clothes on”. When later asked about the exchange, Senator Brown responded, “Thank God.”

Ms. Warren said in today’s presser that she has taken that as a challenge.

“I have found the people at Maxim to be most eager to write a serious and in-depth article about my candidacy and the ideas that I have put forward to make this great state an even better place for all Americans to call home. We will be able to cover in great detail the economic and social agendas that I have outlined as the bedrock principles of my candidacy. We will highlight the substantive differences between my approach and that of my opponent. And, there will be pictures of me naked.”

Ms. Warren went on to say, “As a woman and as a professional with over 34 years of service to the American people in government, education, and community action, I believe that there are times when we must rise to the challenge that has been laid down by those who proffer rigid stereotypes of what they deem to be the ‘appropriate’ female image. This article will give me the opportunity to express my ideas and to show the American people that a progressive, intellectual women of my age and experience can,with proper lighting and the appropriate optical filters, look hot.”

When Dreadmonger reporters asked Ms. Warren if her campaign had any plans for follow-on promotional material, she responded, “Well, if the photos turn out OK, I understand that my campaign is talking about some kind of Dove commercial.”

Senator Brown’s office did not return our calls for comment.

Dreadmonger will provide updates on the story as they develop.

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Super Committee Message to White House – “Holy Crap!”

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Dreadmonger Washington Bureau – Senator Patty Murray (D-WA) and Congressman Jeb Hensarling (R-TX), speaking on behalf of their fellow members on the Congressional “super committee” today sent a terse message to the White House:

“Holy crap!”

Ms. Murray and Mr. Hensarling, co-chairs of the Congressional “super committee”, met with reporters today on the steps of the Capitol building .

“The message was sent,” said Senator Murray, “in order to emphasize that the committee is finding it difficult to come up with the $1.2 trillion in cost reductions mandated by the president‘s deficit reduction program. In mid-September, the president raised the target to $3 trillion. Now he has asked us to come up with another $447 billion to pay for the American Jobs Act. This is like asking Governor Christie one more time if he wants to run for president. At some point, you’ve just got to back off, you know?”

“The president said in his joint speech to Congress,” added Congressman Hensarling, “and I am quoting here, ‘this bill is paid for’. Then, he turns around, hands it to us, and says, ‘here, you guys figure out how to pay for it’. That’s not exactly fair. Our plate’s already pretty full. I mean, come on, $1.2 trillion is not exactly chump change. ”

The “super committee” is reeling, shell-shocked from the recent rounds of increased demands coming from the White House for more and more spending cuts.

“We’re feeling a bit dumped on,” said Senator Murray. “It just seems as if every day, we get a new demand for more cuts. I’m not really sure what our objective is now. But, I do know that, whatever it is, we need to get it done by Nov. 23rd and the clock is ticking. I wake up with panic attacks, hyperventilating in the middle of the night. A trillion dollars is hard for me to relate to. This is a whole lot of money. Seriously.”

“If we can just get a break in these ever-increasing demands, we might be able to actually get something accomplished,” said Congressman Hensarling. “I keep waiting for somebody to make a wish for a ‘gazillion dollars’. It’s getting kind of ridiculous.”

The “super committee” will provide recommendations to Congress for, well, let’s just say for a boatload of spending cuts by November 23.

Dreadmonger will provide updates as they become available.

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Harry Reid Sentences Millionaire’s to ‘Occupy Wall Street’

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Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) announced today that he and his Democratic colleagues in the Senate would put forth a new proposal to pay for President Obama’s American Jobs Act bill. Their latest proposal, which will be released in its entirety by week’s end, places a greater tax burden on people whose income is more than $1 million a year. The version of the proposal outlined by Leader Reid today would have these wealthy individuals forfeit all of their assets and income and join the Occupy Wall Street protesters for a period of at least six months.

“We think that this accomplishes two of our main goals,” said Leader Reid. “First, it provides a mechanism for these millionaires to finally pay their fair share and second, it gives them the opportunity to live on the street amongst those individuals in our society who are suffering as a direct result of their financial misdeeds. We see this as fiscally prudent. And, it provides an element of poetic justice.”

Top Senate aides said that, under the proposal, millionaires would be required to actually live on Wall Street, make signs, and participate in the daily demonstrations conducted by the Occupy Wall Street protestors for a minimum of six months.

Aides went on to say that this was just one of several proposals that Democrats were pursuing  to pay for the president’s proposed bill. By looking for alternatives, the Democrats are clearly signalling that they do not have the support of their caucus to pass the bill as it is currently written.

President Obama has asked the congressional super committee to identify another $ half trillion in savings to pay for the jobs measure. This is beyond the $1.2 trillion in spending reductions the committee is chartered with finding in support of the deficit reduction plan.

To pay for the proposal, the White House has recommended limiting itemized deductions for individuals making more than $200,000 a year along with closing certain tax loop-holes and implementing the “Buffett Rule” for an increase in capital gains tax rates.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid will introduce his “millionaire’s plan” as an alternative aimed at addressing concerns raised by his caucus with the president’s proposal.

“We believe our “millionaire’s plan” offers financial benefits along with a generous helping of American justice. We think this will be popular with the American people and we believe that these guys will fit right in down there at Occupy Wall Street.”

Dreadmonger will provide updates to the story as they become available.

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Obama Responds to Poor Economy with “Speech-a-Thon”

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Dreadmonger Washington Bureau – The White House announced today that, in an effort to address anemic jobs performance and the overall lagging health of the U.S. economy, President Obama will embark on a 10-day “Speech-a-Thon”.

Speaking from the Press Briefing Room at the White House today, Jay Carney, White House Press Secretary, announced that President Obama will launch a 10-day, unbroken string of speeches beginning October 8 and concluding October 17.

“The speeches,” said Press Secretary Carney, “will consist of a series of presentations promoting the President’s American Jobs Act, various campaign speeches, town hall events, on-line events, basketball and golf game speeches, and speeches to his family during his ‘down’ time.”

“The President feels that we are in an urgent situation,” Mr. Carney said, “and that it is time to show his commitment to leading the nation by giving an unbroken, 10-day long round of speeches. The President will speak for the entire time with the exception of meals, bathroom breaks, and sleep. He will even give speeches during family dinners at home in the White House and during his golf and basketball games.”

Mr. Carney went on to say, “The President strongly feels that it is time to get to work. The American people are fed up with the bickering in Washington and the lack of definitive results. There is no action that leads to concrete resolution. So, the President is taking the bull by the horns and delivering his message directly to the American people via these speeches. We at the White House believe that this defines his strong leadership during this critical time in the nation’s history.”

When reporters from Dreadmonger asked if the President would be doing any policy work during the 10-day period, Mr. Carney responded, “These talks will cover a lot of policy issues and will spell out, in great detail, a lot of the groundwork that the President has laid on a host of issues that are vital to the American people.”

Dreadmonger will cover the upcoming speeches as they occur.

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Pelosi & Reid Jointly Propose “Perma-Stop” Legislation

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Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi jointly proposed legislation today that would provide permanent stop-gap funding for Congress. The legislative initiative, nicknamed “Perma-Stop“, would provide for a bank of funds that would be available to Congress in perpetuity to provide monies for future periods where stop-gap spending is required.

The proposed legislation which, according to Mr. Reid, has the enthusiastic support of President Obama, provides for a bank of “Perma-Stop” funds between $300B and $500B that would automatically be available to Congress for funding the operation of the government in order to avert a shut down.

Mr. Reid and Ms. Pelosi addressed reporters today from backstage at a campaign rally in Pahrump, Nevada.

“This initiative will provide Congress with readily accessible funds that will allow the government to continue to operate in times of crisis,” said Mr. Reid. “As we have seen in recent months, our Republican colleagues have demonstrated a willingness, or perhaps we should even say a desire, to delay budgetary approval and thereby allow the government to shut down.”

The Reid / Pelosi proposal would set up a Perma-Stop Bank which would be directly funded by the Federal Reserve Board. These funds would be available for release based upon the approval of the Senate Majority Leader whenever the government requires so-called “stop-gap” funding. The bank would be operated on a “min / max” system by the Federal Reseve: whenever funds reached the minimum $300B level, an additional $200B would be injected to return the fund to the maximum level of $500B.

“We see this,” continued Leader Reid, “as an eminently reasonable approach to the constant start / stop dance we have played in the past few months with our Republican colleagues. They seem to feel they can shut down the government whenever the mood strikes them. I would remind our colleagues that those decisions can delay the issuance of Social Security checks which millions of American seniors depend upon for their very existence.”

Minority Leader Pelosi told reporters, “We see this legislation as key to the elimination of the incessant brinksmanship of threatening a government shut-down. We think that Americans are tired of the constant bickering and threats that do nothing but add tension and rancor to the process of conducting the people’s business. We believe our proposal will entirely eliminate this particularly nasty tactic that our colleagues on the other side of the aisle have shown to be all-to-willing to use. We think Americans will embrace our proposal to put an end to this nonsense.”

In conclusion, Mr. Reid added, “We think this legislation offers a simple and elegant solution to the persistent and unnecessary ploys and tactics that panic-inducing Republicans use to scare seniors. It’s time to stop this ‘fire drill’ mentality and get on with governing our nation.”

Dreadmonger will provide updates to the story as they become available.

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President Obama Ratchets Up the Rhetoric – Calls CBC “A Bunch of Slipper-Wearing Sissies”

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On the campaign trail today in Decatur, President Barack Obama continued to dial-up the heat on both critics within his own party and on his Republican rivals. Speaking at an SEIU / Teamster’s rally this afternoon along side James Hoffa. President Obama was unusually animated. He began by attacking naysayers on the left.

“Some say my words the other night addressing the Congressional Black Caucus were ‘curious’,” the President said, referring to Congresswoman Maxine Waters‘ characterization of his speech last Saturday evening. “Well, I’ll say it again, the folks of the CBC, and I don’t limit this to the CBC by any means, but these folks are nothing but a bunch of slipper-wearing sissies.” The President continued to drop his g’s in his address today as he had in his address previously to the CBC. Notably, the President’s “Town Hall” meeting yesterday with Silicon Valley‘s Linked-In organization exhibited none of the g-dropping.

“I just don’t care what those folks have to say about my choice of words,” the President continued. “If I’m too tough well, too bad. This tough love is for their own good and for the good of the Democratic Party. If they think I’m tough, just wait until they get a good look at Rick Perry. His state’s burning to the ground and he doesn’t believe in global warming. He’s executing folks right and left. Folks down there in Texas think he’s lost his mind.”

President Obama then went on to savage the Republican Party, saying, “The GOP has plans to eviscerate you, then tear out your still-beating heart and stomp it into the ground along with your guts. Does this sound ‘curious’ to you? I don’t think folks understand what’s at stake here. Did you see those debates last week? And did you hear that audience cheering for executions and rooting for that poor guy with no insurance to go ahead and die? These guys are scary. I wouldn’t trust any of them. Can you imagine running up on these guys in a dark alley at night?”

“One of them wants to do away with Social Security. Another one wants to do away with the EPA, the Department of Education, and Medicare. Another one wants to eliminate taxes for their wealthy friends. Another one doesn’t care if Iran has a nuclear bomb or not. No other word for it, these guys are either dangerous or just plain nuts.”

The President did not take questions after the address but, Dreadmonger reporters were able to catch up backstage with David Axelrod, senior campaign advisor for the Obama 2012 presidential bid.

Dreadmonger  reporters questioned Mr. Axelrod about the tone of the President’s address. Mr. Axelrod replied, “Well, we are doing our utmost to keep the discourse civil but sometimes the President just gets ‘fired up, ready to go!’. We are just starting to get revved up here. I can imagine that, 12 or 13 months from now when we’re in the final stretch, we may see things really start to heat up.”

Dreadmonger will provide updates as they become available.

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Eric Holder Announces Speedy Arrests in “Muffin-Gate Sting”

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Eric Holder, Attorney General for the United States, announced this evening that three people have been arrested in a “Muffin-Gate Sting” operation conducted by the Department of Justice.

Mr. Holder, reading from a prepared statement, spoke with reporters tonight at the scene of the arrests in Washington, D.C.

“This ongoing operation, spear-headed by Justice along with logistics support from the Office of Homeland Security and technical support from the Federal Bureau of Investigation, was both swift and precise in execution. The joint task-team identified and arrested the three individuals who are believed to be responsible for the abuse of refreshment budgets that was uncovered earlier this week by our internal audit team.”

“The investigation had been underway for quite some time,” continued Mr. Holder, “and, as the news media broke the story this week, we felt it prudent to move forward with the arrests of the individuals previously identified in the case.”

Arrested tonight were Justice Department interns Bunny Whidmore (age 21), Trisha Maxwell (age 22), and Jennifer Bittly (age 21). The three interns were taken into custody without incident by Federal Marshalls at the apartment they share in Washington, D.C.

Mr. Holder went on to say, “We at DoJ want the American people to know that the rules are the same for every American. Even in a case like this one, where suspects Whidmore, Maxwell, and Bittley are affiliated with our Department, we will not hesitate to bring wrong-doers to swift justice.”

A Department of Justice inspector general audit released earlier this week reported that just under $500,000 was spent at ten conference events between Oct. 2007 and Sept. 2009. Those events served the legendary $16 muffins as well as snacks of Cracker Jacks, popcorn and candy bars that cost $32 per person.

“Let it be clearly known by the American people,” said Mr. Holder, “that this Department of Justice is on the job and will continue to diligently monitor conference snack abuse even when it is internal to the Department. There are no special rules when it comes to justice.”

Dreadmonger reporters requested comment from the three suspects as they were being led away in handcuffs by Federal Marshalls. We received one comment from intern Bunny Whidmore.

“Can you call my Mom for me? The conference they’re talking about happened when I was 17 years old – I was still in high school – I didn’t even work here then.”

Dreadmonger will provide updates to the story as they occur.

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Ron Suskind: “Geithner is a Werewolf, Rahm’s a Vampire”

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In an interview on MSNBC today, Ron Suskind re-iterated his claim that U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner is a werewolf and that Rahm Emanuel is a 400 year-old vampire.

Mr. Suskind’s new book, Confidence Men: Wall Street, Washington, and the Education of a President, released in bookstores today, details the inner workings of the White House during the financial crisis of 2008. Mr. Suskind appeared on MSNBC‘s Morning Joe this morning and told host Joe Scarborough that Timothy Geithner is, in fact, a werewolf and that Rahm Emmanuel is an ancient Carpathian vampire.

“It’s true,” said Mr. Suskind, “I have it on tape. We locked Tim in the basement bowling alley at the White House one night during a full moon. It’s a  frightening tape, but, you can tell its him. He just went nuts when the full moon came up. Just nuts.”

“And Rahm,” Mr. Suskind continued, “you never see Rahm out in sunlight. Only at night. Try to find a picture of him in the sun. Doesn’t exist. They had developed a network of ACORN sites that used to feed young, homeless girls up to Rahm’s office after hours. One by one, in they’d go, but they never came back out. Seriously creepy.”

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney quickly dismissed Mr. Suskind’s claims, calling them, “Specious and twisted. This is an example of Mr. Suskind’s warped imagination carrying him away. The book is pure sensationalism, full of errors and fantastic exaggeration.”

Mr. Suskind says of the White House, “They’re trying to throw up as much dust and doubt as they possibly can. But, if you get a few drinks in Christina Romer or Anita Dunn, they’ll tell you all about Rahm. It’s a different story with Tim. He can’t really help himself, poor guy. But Rahm is something else. Roams the halls at night, wearing that black cape with the red silk lining. The guy’s pure evil. He’ll suck the very life right out of you and won’t bat an eye.”

Mr. Suskind’s book goes on to document the purported ‘hostile environment’ towards women in the White House.

“Anita Dunn told me, and again, I have this on tape, that she was sick and tired of Rahm trying to get her off in a corner to bite her on the neck. That’s the real reason she left the administration. Christina too.”

Dreadmonger reporters asked Mr. Suskind about Valerie Jarrett, the Senior Advisor to President Obama.

“Well,” Mr. Suskind replied, “let’s just say you’ll have a hard time finding a recent picture of her out in the sun as well.”

Dreadmonger attempted to reach Mr. Emmanuel and Mr. Geithner for comment but they did not return our calls.

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Buffett Gives Secretary $1B to Reduce Her Tax Rate

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OMAHA (Dreadmonger) – Berkshire Hathaway issued a press release tonight announcing that Warren Buffett was personally gifting his secretary to the tune of $1 billion in order to reduce her tax rate to the same level that the billionaire investor enjoys.

Missy Sprindle, Mr. Buffet’s administrative assistant at Berkshire Hathaway for the past 18 years, met with reporters from Dreadmonger’s Omaha Bureau in an exclusive interview this evening.

“I’m just so excited! Mr. B. is just too kind. With all this talk about how much I pay in taxes, I just didn’t think he would go and do this. He’s such an old sweetie.”

Mr. Buffett has expressed concern in recent months about the disparity between his tax rate and that of his secretary. According to Mr. Buffett, he is taxed at about 17% on his $46 million in income “without trying to avoid paying higher taxes” while his secretary is taxed at a rate of 32%.

The gift to Ms. Sprindle was in the form of dividend producing Berkshire Hathaway bonds. The income from the $1 billion in gift bonds will be treated as capital gains and, when combined with Ms. Sprindle’s $60,000 annual salary, will lower her effective tax rate to a projected 17.3%, rivaling that of Mr. Buffett.

Dreadmonger reporters asked Ms. Sprindle if she was aware of the “Buffet Rule” that President Obama was recommending to rectify the tax disparity between wealthy and middle class tax payers.

“Why no,” said Ms. Sprindle, “I really don’t pay any attention to politics, I’m afraid. What’s that all about?”

Dreadmonger reporters explained that the new rule would effectively raise her tax rate back to the 32% “fair share” level that the middle class pays.

“Why, that’s the stupidest, most idiotic thing I ever heard of,” said Ms. Sprindle. “I guess I’ll have to invest in a good tax attorney.”

“After all,” said Ms. Sprindle, “I can afford it.”

Dreadmonger will provide updates to this story as they become available.

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President Obama Swears He’s an Adult

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On the basketball court in the basement gym at the White House today, President Obama spoke with reporters, insisting that he really is an adult.

“I assure you all that I am an adult and I have been for many years now,” the President said. “I think there must be some connection to this birther thing. For crying out loud, I just released my birth certificate. I know you’ve all seen it. That proves it, right?”

The comment was believed to be in response to Ron Suskind‘s upcoming book, “Confidence Men: Wall Street, Washington, and the Education of a President”. In Suskind’s book, former Director of the White House  United States National Economic Council Lawrence Summers is quoted as telling Peter Orzag, OMB Director at the time, “We’re Home Alone. There’s no adult in charge. Clinton would never have made these mistakes.”

When Dreadmonger reporters asked President Obama about Mr. Summers’ reported comments in Mr. Suskind’s book, he replied, “I think I’ll let Larry deal with his own issues. If you have seen the movie The Social Network, well, you’ll know what I’m talking about.”

Alex Castellanos, Republican strategist speaking today on Meet the Press, expressed similar sentiments by saying that the President was “…running around Washington saying, ‘Mommy, mommy, please make these Republicans play fair’.”

All this on the heels of James Carville‘s comments this week and his one word of advice to the White House: “Panic”.

When Dreadmonger reporters pressed the President on this recent round of inside the beltway chatter, which sounds more like schoolyard trash talk, the President responded, “Look guys, I’d love to stay and talk more but, I really need to get in a few holes of golf and hit Five Guys before the ball games start. Priorities, you know?”

Dreadmonger will provide update to the story as they become available.

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Carville Offers Obama a New Plan – Fire, Indict, Punch ‘Em in the Face!

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“The course we are on is not working. The hour is late, and the need is great. Fire. Indict. Fight.” James CarvilleCNN 9/15/11.

Those are harsh words James. The Democratic strategist, in an opinion piece today for CNN, offered his prescription to President Obama for turning around the flagging performance of the Democrats in light of this week’s election results in New York and Nevada. Carville spoke with his usual candor, ratcheted up a notch.

Carville’s four point plan:

1) Fire somebody! Just look around you, lots of folks to choose from here. Jarrett, Holder, Geithner, take your pick. Nobody will miss them, and you’ll be cheered. Maybe even given a ticker tape parade.

2) Arrest somebody! Start with this Solyndra deal. What a cluster that one was! Surely there is some DOE or OMB honcho you can tag for this one. If not, go with Biden. He’s a joke anyhow and that frees up a valuable, wasted slot on the VP ticket.

3) Re-hire someone you fired, fire them again, and then arrest them. Make a spectacle of it. The Romans had it figured out with the Colliseum. They recognized that people love blood and spectacle. Give it to them and then, give them some more.

4) Punch somebody in the face! Not literally, of course, but figuratively. Humiliate somebody brutally and  in public. I would think a Plouffe or an Axelrod would be good here. And, of course, Robert Gibbs. Everybody in the whole country hates that guy. You could sell tickets for that one. Sell out an arena. No, wait, you want to sell out an arena, make fun of Paul Krugman. You could make that guy cry, easy.

Carville said his plan was designed to protect the nation from “these creationism-loving, global-warming-denying, immigration-bashing, Social-Security-cutting, clean-air-hating, mortality-fascinated, Wall-Street-protecting Republicans”.

When asked what advice he would give the White House, Carville said, “One word comes to mind: Panic.”

Dreadmonger attempted to reach Mr. Carville to ask him what he really thinks. He has not yet returned our phone calls.

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Solyndra, George Kaiser Send Fruit & Cheese Basket to White House

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In an apparent gesture of gratitude for the $535 million in loan guarantees that the Department of Energy  provided to Solyndra, the solar panel maker and principal investor George Kaiser got together today and sent a fruit and cheese basket to the White House.

Bunny Whitmore, Assistant Under-Secretary to White House Press Secretary Jay Carney, told Dreadmonger, “It is a really nice basket. It has those big giant Florida grapefruits and peaches that are the biggest I’ve ever seen. And the cheese is out of this world.”

Solyndra has been having a tough time of it lately. The firm announced last week that, despite the generosity of the DOE and the American taxpayer, it would be forced to lay off all 1100 of its employees, close its doors, and file for bankruptcy protection.

The White House-sponsered loan guarantee given to the solar panel maker was intended to create 1,000 full-time “green jobs” once Solyndra’s new plant was up and running. But intense competition from Chinese manufacturers proved too much for the California-based company.

The Obama administration promoted Solyndra as an example of  the ability of “green technology” to create jobs. In his visit to the Solyndra’s new factory in 2010, the President said, “it is just a testament to American ingenuity and dynamism and the fact that we continue to have the best universities in the world, the best technology in the world, and most importantly the best workers in the world. And you guys all represent that. ”

Solyndra opened in 2005 and in 2009 received the Obama administration’s first energy loan guarantee. The $535 million was intended to mitigate the risk to venture capital firms that were funding the start-up. A major investor in Solyndra, George Kaiser, has been identified as a bundler for President Obama’s 2008 campaign, raising large amounts of cash for that effort.

The House Energy and Commerce Committee has been probing Solyndra’s loan guarantee and in July issued a subpoena to the White House Office of Management and Budget for documents relating to all Energy Department loan guarantees.

“This is really bad news,” said House Energy and Commerce Committee Chairman Fred Upton (R-Mich.). “Half a billion dollars of taxpayer money and we may end up holding the bag. This is just a classic case of fraud and abuse and waste.”

Meanwhile, back at the White House, Bunny Whitmore was passing around samples from the fruit basket to members of the Press Secretary’s staff. “I must admit,” said Ms. Whitmore, “I don’t know who these Solyndra guys are but, I sure hope they remember us again at Christmas time.”

Dreadmonger will provide updates to this story as they become available.

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DOJ Probe Targets Clapton

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Assistant Secretary to the  Bureau Chief of the Decatur office of the Department of Justice Raul Garcerra said today that noted guitarist Eric Clapton has been targeted by the DOJ in an on-going investigation into his “prolonged and protracted use of guitars made from illegally imported and endangered materials.”

“Through a deep undercover investigation,” Mr. Garcerra told Dreadmonger reporters, “we have learned that Mr. Clapton has most likely been a user of Gibson guitars for many, many years. We think he heads a network of like-minded  individuals who repeatedly use and may even distribute these illegal instruments for financial gain.”

Citing Mr. Clapton’s Crossroads organization as the potential hub of the alleged distribution organization, Mr. Garcerra went on to say, “We believe we have a case that goes far beyond illegal use and enters into the realm of reckless distribution and, potentially, racketeering.”

The Department of Justice raided Gibson Guitar’s Memphis and Nashville, Tennessee manufacturing facilities on August 24th. During the raid, government agents confiscated millions of dollars worth of exotic woods which were believed to have been illegally imported.

Gibson CEO Henry E. Juszkiewicz believes the company has been unfairly targeted. Juszkiewicz said federal authorities have not talked to him about the situation.

“They need to start talking to us. If there is a problem we would be happy to fix it. We’re not aware of one,” he said. The CEO has maintained consistently that all woods were imported legally and that Gibson has all of the required permits to prove it. Political pundits have speculated that the DOJ was attempting to intimidate Juszkiewicz, a long-time supporter of Republican political candidates.

Mr. Garcerra went on to allege that Mr. Clapton is “part of an underground network of users who continue to use, promote, and distribute these Gibson guitars on a global basis,” through his Crossroads organization.

When Dreadmonger reporters informed Mr. Garcerra that Mr. Clapton’s Crossroads organization was involved in drug rehabilitation at his Crossroads Centre in Antigua, Mr. Garcerra replied, “We believe this alleged ‘Rehab Center’ is actually a front for using and distributing these illegal instruments.”

When Dreadmonger reporters noted that Mr. Clapton is a world-renowned guitarist who has been at the pinnacle of artistic expression for his instrument for the past four decades, Mr. Garcerra replied, “Well, people thought Bernie Madoff was at the pinnacle of his profession too. Look how that turned out.”

Mr. Clapton could not be reached for comment.

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Dems Go Big with “Bazillion $ Plan”

President Barack Obama speaks to a joint sessi...

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(Dreadmonger Washington Bureau) – In a joint announcement today issued on the steps of the Capitol Building, Nancy Pelosi, Maxine Waters, and Paul Krugman, unveiled  their proposal for stimulating  job creation for the tepid U.S. economy.

“We are urging the President to ‘go big’ with his jobs plan,” said House of Representatives minority leader Nancy Pelosi. “He gave reference to his ‘Ginormous Plan’ on August 18th, and now, with his address to the joint session of Congress tomorrow evening, we are proposing that he put a specific number on that proposal: one bazillion dollars.”

Congresswoman Maxine Waters, as a follow-up to her appearance on Meet The Press this past Sunday where she said the President should propose “a program of a trillion dollars or more”, said that she has reconsidered and revised her proposal after consulting with Nobel prize winning economist Paul Krugman and Leader Pelosi.

“I think now that we should be talking about at least a bazillion dollars,” Congresswoman Waters said. “That’s more than a trillion, isn’t it?”

Paul Krugman, Nobel prize-winning economist and noted op-ed columnist for the New York Times, responded, “Yes, Congresswoman Waters, it is. But whether we are talking about a bazillion dollars or a gazillion dollars, the important thing is that the President go big. We need to increase the size and scope of our investment in jobs if we are to have a real impact on this economy.”

Dreadmonger reporters inquired as to where the money to fund such a program might come from.

Mr. Krugman responded, “Well, you know, interest rates are at historic lows right now so, we should be able to borrow it for close to zero per cent. With the cost of borrowing this low, it is silly not to take advantage of the opportunity to increase the size of the jobs program. And there is a crying need for infrastructure spending which puts idle construction workers back on the job. From an economist’s standpoint, it is the obvious solution to what has become a protracted and painful chapter in American life.”

When Dreadmonger reporters pointed out that “Jobs Program” is seen by some as a euphemism for “Stimulus”, Mr. Krugman said, “I have said repeatedly that the original recovery program was too modest. We need to ‘go big or go home’ as the saying goes. This is our chance to shock this arrested economy back to life.”

Reporters from Dreadmonger noted that the original recovery program has been judged by some of Mr. Krugman’s peers as being less than effective in creating new jobs.

“Well,” responded Mr. Krugman, “it just proves my point. This time, we need to go bigger.”

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DNC Unveils 2012 Campaign Slogan: “Let’s Take Out These Lynching, Racist, Terrorist SOB’s and Send Them Straight to Hell!”

Debbie Wasserman Schultz, official photo portr...

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Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, head of the Democratic National Committee, announced the party’s campaign tag-line for the upcoming 2012 elections:

“Let’s Take Out These Lynching, Racist, Terrorist SOB’s and Send Them Straight to Hell!”.

Congresswoman Wasserman-Schultz introduced the new slogan at a rally held jointly by the SEIU and AFL-CIO in Decatur yesterday.

“We believe the new tag-line will re-energize the base of loyal, caring, hard-working middle-class voters who have been marginalized by the efforts of those on the right, especially the so-called Tea Party Movement.”

The tag-line was created by a DNC sub-committee consisting of Congressman Andre Carson, James Hoffa, Jr., Congresswoman Maxine Waters, and Janine Garofalo. It was approved by Ms. Wasserman-Schultz and Vice President Joe Biden.

“The committee debated for quite a while,” said Congresswoman Wasserman-Schultz, “over adding the word ‘Lying’ to the slogan. That would have made it ‘Let’s Take Out these Lying, Lynching, Racist, Terrorist SOB’s and Send Them Straight to Hell!’ . We thought that sounded better, with the slight alliteration on the L’s. But, ultimately, we felt there were two problems with that wording. First, it just made it too long, and second, we thought that might have taken it over the line a little bit. We are trying to keep the discourse civil. We don’t want to coarsen the debate.”

The slogan will be introduced on DNC 2012 Campaign materials, television and radio ads, and will be prominently featured in internet banner ads.

“We think it captures the moment and sums up where the party stands on the important issues of the day.” said Ms. Wasserman-Schultz.

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