Congress is away on vacation, the Republican party is off campaigning in Iowa, and President Obama will soon head out to Martha’s Vineyard for his summer break. Washington looks a lot like a ghost town these days.
So, the Capitol pages have a great idea: “Let’s party!”
It has been over 175 years since these young Americans first donned their signature blue blazers and entered into service to their country as Capitol messengers. A job as a Congressional page has been a badge of pride and honor and has often led its members on to successful careers in the world of politics.
But soon the young pages will vanish from the US House of Representatives. The two culprits: budget cuts and improvements in technology.
“They waited until they were all out of Washington to tell us,” a spokesman for the pages told Dreadmonger. “Some junior level guy from the Congressional Office of Management and Budget gave us our pink slips. We’ve been outsourced to a Blackberry. Unbelievable!”
The letters sent to the pages were actually jointly signed by Speaker John Boehner and House minority leader, Nancy Pelosi. Concerns about the program’s costs and effectiveness in an age of instant communication via smartphone led the House leadership to their decision to eliminate the pages. It is likely that the controversy and scandal that has rocked the page program hasn’t helped much. Several Congressional members have been accused of being a little too close to their blue-coated assistants in recent years.
In an exclusive interview with Dreadmonger, Perry X, anonymous leader of the House pages, said, “So, this week-end, we are having the monster party of all time on the floor of the House. Mom and Dad are out-of-town so, the pages will rock!”
“There’s a wicked bar in the back room at the House. You can’t imagine how well-stocked this dog is. We’ll start hitting that baby hard some time Friday afternoon. And they have this great smoking room with a walk-in humidor stocked with real Cuban cigars. It will be epic.”
When reporters from Dreadmonger inquired as to how the pages planned to gain access to one of the nation’s most highly secured locations for a party, Perry just smiled.
“You know, with this ‘PS’ rumor floating around, we have found our ex-bosses to be… most accommodating.”
The “PS” Perry refers to is the legendary “Page Scrapbook”. The scrapbook is shrouded in Congressional myth and mystery and its existence has never been independently confirmed. According to legend, it is purported to contain a 175-year old collection of documents, photos, and in more recent years, videos cataloguing the day-to-day interface between pages and their Congressional counterparts. Perry refused Dreadmonger’s repeated requests to confirm the existence of the ‘PS’.
“Look, it’s all Washington urban myth,” Perry went on to say. “Nothing but political fantasy. Especially this latest fairy tale going around that there are certain articles of clothing that have made their way into the ‘PS’. Seriously, there is nothing to it at all.”
Perry’s Blackberry began buzzing. “Eric, my man!” he answered. “Hold on a minute bro…”.
With that, Perry abruptly ended the interview with Dreadmonger. “Sorry guys, need to wrap it up.”
He mouthed silently to Dreadmonger reporters, “Got to take this one.”
- House kills 180-year-old page program (capitolhillblue.com)
- Canceling The House Page Program Is A Terrible Idea (businessinsider.com)
- House Page Program to Conclude (blogs.abcnews.com)