(Dreadmonger Brussels Bureau) – In a joint announcement today in the foyer of the headquarters of the European Union in Brussels, German Chancellor Angela Merkel and France’s President Nicolas Sarkozy announced the “Adopt-an-Italian” program on behalf of the European Union. The program, initiated in response to the expanding debt crisis in Europe, allows for legal, time-based international adoptions of famous Italian citizens.
“We are offering this service,” said Chancellor Merkel, ” in order to provide an opportunity for citizens of the world to adopt an Italian person of international renown for a week-end, for a month, or perhaps for an indefinite period of time.”
“We are honored to announce,” added President Sarkozy, “some of the Italians who have made themselves available to assist their nation and the European Union in this time of financial distress. They include Silvio Berlusconi, Giorgio Armani, Roberto Benigni, and Sophia Loren.”
“In addition to celebrity adoptions,” said Chancellor Merkel, “we plan to offer a variety of professional Italians for adoption as well. This includes plastic surgeons, auto mechanics, and designers of fine Italian footwear. We plan, in the future, to offer a line of fine Italian chefs too.”
“And, as a special bonus,” added President Sarkozy, “we have added Placido Domingo to our celebrity list. He is not Italian but, as a former member of the 3 Tenors with Luciano Pavrotti, we thought it appropriate to include him. And, let’s be honest, outside of Europe, nobody will know the difference anyway.”
“And, as a special bonus,” said Chancellor Merkel, “we will include 6 Greek domestic workers to accompany our adoptees and provide an additional resource for the adopters. We recognize that some of our adoptees are high maintenance and, we believe the addition of the “Bonus 6-Pack of Greeks”, as we call it, will provide the level of care that our celebrities expect. And, now that we own the Greeks, the cost is minimal.”
Dreadmonger reporters attempted to contact Ms. Loren and Mr. Armani for comment but, thus far, they have not returned our calls.
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