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Dateline Dreadmaker News Central:
Standard & Poor’s Managing Director, John Chambers, told Dreadmonger this morning, “We believe the entire planet should now be considered at economic risk – except for Texas, which is actually doing pretty good.”
“Initially, we downgraded the US Government, Fannie Mae, and Freddie Mac. Then we began to look at states like California, New York. and Arizona.Then one of our junior guys in the bond room said, ‘What about Italy and Spain?’. So, we just thought, you know, let’s just do the entire planet. Except, of course, for Texas.”
When queried by Dreadmonger about the $2 trillion math error that White House officials and US Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner noted on Sunday talk shows this past week-end, Chambers replied, “Look, we have now extended our downgrade to the degree that this so-called ‘math error’ that Secretary Geithner is complaining about is, essentially, chump change.”
“At S&P, our guys have looked at places like Saturn, Jupiter, you know, Venus, and we just don’t see the high debt to GDP ratios that we see on this planet. I should point out that S&P downgraded Pluto right after it lost its planetary status in 2006. So, obviously, Pluto is not a valid comparison. We don’t count Pluto any longer.”
When reporters from Dreadmonger pointed out that, as in the case of sub-prime mortgage securities in 2008, S&P acted on a downgrade of Pluto only after the fact, Chambers responded, “Standard & Poor’s, if you count its predecessor companies, has been rating bonds since the 1920s. We have a long track record of over 100 years. If we missed a few along the way, well, nobody bats a thousand now, do they?”
Chambers went on to warn, “We think that there is the possibility of extending the downgrade in future months if we don’t see real, marked improvement in the situation on Earth”.
When asked by Dreadmonger how S&P might further extend it’s downgrade beyond Planet Earth, Chamber’s only gave a slight smile and said, “well, there’s still Texas.”
Dreadmonger will provide updates to this developing story in real-time.
Tim Geithner isn’t sleeping well these days. And now, he says, it’s bound to get worse.
“They’re calling from India but, it’s really the Chinese calling about the money we owe them. And now, with this idiotic S&P downgrade, I know it’ll just get worse.”
Geithner says he receives several calls every day like clockwork from “Trevor”.
“He says his name is ‘Trevor’ but he’s calling from India and his real name is CHINA!”
“8:15 in the morning, noon, 5PM, and again at 8PM – you can set your watch by this guy,” reports Geithner. “And forget sleeping in on the week-end. Not a chance – Saturday, Sunday, makes no difference to Trevor.”
Trevor, and a raft of his phone bank campadres, are calling to remind Treasury Secretary Geithner about the debt interest payments that are due.
“And do you think that raising the debt ceiling made a difference to these guys?” fumes Geithner, “No, I swear they’ve called more than ever this week. What do they think, the US Government’s going to leave town in the middle of the night? I’m thinking about giving them the Grand Canyon or the Washington Monument or something just to shut them up. Maybe the Smithsonian.”
But, unfortunately for Geithner, his options are limited these days. “I had lunch with Ben the other day.” That would be Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke. “I ask him ‘Does a guy named Trevor ever call you?’. Poor Ben just buried his head in his hands. Same drill – gets calls every day. I told him we should call Petraeus or Panetta or whoever and see if we can borrow some drones to pay these guys a visit. Jeez, something”
Geithner is looking ahead to his future opportunities outside of government.
Meanwhile, during Dreadmonger’s interview with Geithner, the phone rang for the third time.
“I’m not going to answer this. This is ridiculous. All I ask is that they stop calling so I can sleep in on a Saturday morning. Just one Saturday morning. That’s not too much to ask, is it? ”
“Anyway, they know we’re good for it. I mean… we are good for it, you know?”
- President Obama Asks Tim Geithner To Remain U.S. Treasury Secretary (huffingtonpost.com)
- Tim Geithner Jokes That The White House Has Him On Ankle Bracelet Lockdown (businessinsider.com)