Archive for category Nutballs
When Delco closed its Decatur plant in early 2009, William T. Zenger, Plant Superintendent, was left without a job. He did, however, receive a generous early retirement package from Delco along with enrollment in Career Blast-Off, a local job-coaching firm.
“They were talking about ‘Networking’,” says Zenger. ” What, I’m going to network with the guy who ran the blow-molding machine? I don’t think so.”
But Career Blast-Off had another idea that caught Zenger’s attention – self-branding.
“So, I’m in this seminar and they’re talking about self-branding. You know, like on Facebook, and Twitter and such. So, I says to the wife, why not?” Zenger decided to put the funds he received in his retirement package to good use.
Last April, William T. Zenger legally changed his name to Billy JobsJobsJobs. In addition to changing his name, he has filed with the US Patent and Trademark office for a registered trademark, has acquired the domain name “BillyJobsJobsJobs.com”, and is investigating patent protection for future rights to all uses of the term “JobsJobsJobs”.
In an interview with Dreadmonger, Zenger, make that Billy JobsJobsJobs, said, “So, my lawyers tell me it works like this: whenever anyone uses the term ‘JobsJobsJobs’, they have to pay me a royalty. So, if, for example, in this article, each time you use the term, you have to pay me a royalty of .07 cents. Each time. So, say you uses it 10 times, you owe me, what’s that, almost a penny.”
“Now, I know a penny don’t sound like much but, hey, this term’s used a lot!”
Billy JobsJobsJobs has developed a spreadsheet model projecting his income from the venture.
“The spreadsheet shows I’ll be a millionaire by Thanksgiving and, by the end of the 2012 election, I’ll be a card-carrying member of the billionaire’s club.”
JobsJobsJobs sees this as an investment in his family’s economic future.
“You know,” he says, ” I could have just used this retirement money to live off of – watched it dwindle down to nothing. This way, my lawyers say I’m developing an on-going revenue stream that will last into perpetuity. Got to think of the future for Debt and Deficit, you know?”
“Debt” and “Deficit” are the new legal names of Billy JobsJobsJobs’ children, William “Bucky” Zenger (now “Debt”) and Ashley Rose Zenger (now “Deficit”).
“At first, I thought it kinda sucked,” reported Debt Zenger. “But, then, I got to thinking I could use it my act.” Debt is a DJ and budding rap artist, performing at his Roseland Middle School dances (Go Devils!). “So, now I go by ‘B Da Debt’. Chill, huh?”
When Dreadmonger tried to reach Deficit, the former Ashley Rose, for comment, she would only scream through her bedroom door “I’m not coming out ’til I’m eighteen!”.
Billy JobsJobsJobs said, “We have two goals for that girl, me and No Tax Hikes: to keep her off the pole and get her into a good college, you know?”
“No Tax Hikes”, is, you guessed it, the new legal name for Billy’s wife, the former Beverly Zenger.
“My Billy’s just so smart,” says No Tax Hikes, “he has this all planned out on a spreadsheet and everything. And he’s working with the top professionals in the field.”
JobsJobsJobs has retained the services of Wanchell Hayes, the talent management firm directing the careers of such luminaries as Richard Heene (“Balloon Boy’s” dad), former Survivor and Celebrity Apprentice star Richard Hatch, and Joe the Plumber. Wanchell Hayes is preparing to launch a social media campaign with multimedia exposure via YouTube, local infomercials, and regional cable access channel broadcasts.
When Dreadmonger noted to JobsJobsJobs that the US Patent and Copyright Office typically does not grant protection for names and slogans, he responded “Yea, my brother-in-law Randall tried to tell me that too. But, he’s dead wrong. My lawyers are top shelf. These guys know their stuff. They wouldn’t steer me wrong. I mean, I’m into this a bundle, you know?”
Dreadmonger phoned JobsJobsJobs’ law firm, Blickensberg, Melly, and Spenkheiser, for comment but, thus far, they have not returned our calls.
Publisher’s note: In tracking all trademarked names used in this publication, Dreadmonger publishers have determined that Mr. JobsJobsJobs is entitled to $0.013 in total or more than 30% in excess of his projection of less than $.01. Dreadmonger has forwarded a check to Mr. JobsJobsJobs in the amount of $.02 due to our bank’s prohibition of checks in increments of less than a penny. The net payment to Mr. JobsJobsJobs from Dreadmonger, therefore, is more than DOUBLE his original projection for the article.
Retired librarian Rosalie Melly has a problem. Her cat, Miffy, is hiding under the couch and will not come out. Ms. Melly was watching Piers Morgan on television this past Tuesday evening when, during a break, a M****** commercial was broadcast. “Why those little animated mucus people make me gag,” Melly reported. ” It got so bad this time, I threw up on Miffy, who sits in my lap and watches TV with me.”
According to Ms. Melly, Miffy was startled when she vomited and leaped from her lap, scratching her “most indelicately”. Miffy has since refused food, water, and consolation and has retreated to her hiding spot under the couch.
Ms.Melly has contacted the makers of M****** and has requested they discontinue the commercials immediately.
“I really do not believe,” wrote Ms. Melly, “that it was Piers Morgan that made me ill. I have watched him many times in the past with very little nausea. But the cartoon mucus people have repeatedly caused me to gag. This was the first time I actually vomited. Now, I am afraid to watch the TV for fear one of your adverts will come on. I am actually getting queasy just writing about it.”
Ms. Melly received a prompt, if less than satisfying, response from the makers of M******:
“Our advertising is prepared for us by an outside agency that complies with our commitment to high standards of quality and good taste. The introduction of any ad or commercial is preceded by months of consumer research. All of our ads are screened by our advertising agency, as well as our Marketing Department, to determine their effectiveness and consumer acceptability.”
“Nevertheless, preferences differ, and we truly regret that you were dissatisfied with this commercial. Please feel assured that your comments have been passed on to our Brand Manager for consideration in future advertising.”
Ms. Melly insists she will pursue the matter until she receives the satisfaction of having the “vile” commercials pulled from the airwaves.
Dreadmonger will continue to follow the story and provide updates on future developments for Ms. Melly and, of course, for Miffy.