Posts Tagged cannibals

VP Biden Cites Threat of Zombie Cannibalism

Joe Biden, Vice President of the United States.

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(Dreadmonger Decatur Bureau) Speaking at a benefit luncheon today for the Widows and Orphans of the Decatur Policeman and Firefighter’s union (WODPFU), Vice President Joe Biden once again warned that if the key elements of the president’s American Jobs Act bill are not enacted into law, social order in America is at risk of completely breaking down.

“We’ve seen this before,” said Vice President Biden, “we know where this leads. The president’s bill provides for funding of jobs for policemen and firefighters. Now, let’s say that this funding is not approved – and, God knows, as I look around at the heroes in this room, I cannot imagine how it cannot be approved – but, if for some reason the funding is not approved, then it’s simple. Those jobs go away. And as well-documented statistics prove, if those jobs go away, crime goes up. And as we’ve seen time and again, in other parts of the world, when things really break down in a society, the criminal element takes total control. And, ultimately, that leads to zombie cannibals roaming the streets, attacking children, women and small domestic animals.”

The otherwise hushed crowd gasped at Vice President Biden’s description of societal breakdown.

“Now I know, I know,” said Vice President Biden, “some may accuse me of exaggeration. But just look at the facts. We have seen a marked increase in public awareness of this type of rising violent criminal behavior. On TV, in the movies, on your nightly news. It seems as if these fears are spreading like a cancer across our nation. And why is that? I believe it is because we are sensing, as a society, that if we do not act now all will be lost. Just think about your little kitty, or the family dog. Or your wife. It’s just too horrible to contemplate.”

Dreadmonger reporters inquired of Vice President Biden, “Are you aware, sir, that statistics across the nation have shown a declining incidence of violent crime beginning in 2006 and continuing through last year?”

“Are you from Fox News? Did you get those stats from Fox News?” Vice President Biden asked our reporter.

“No sir,” responded our reporter, “those statistics come from the Federal Bureau of Investigation, in their report published in February of this…”

Vice President Biden cut our reporter off here, “Now just hold your horses, son. Everybody knows that you can manipulate  numbers, cherry-picked out of some 2000 page report, to prove or disprove anything you want. I invite all these good people here to do their own research. Talk to your family. Talk to your friends and neighbors. Ask yourselves, ‘do I think I am safe? Do I really feel like I’ll be safe when the cops and firefighter’s aren’t on the job any more? Will my wife and kids be safe?’ I think, if we’re honest with one another, we all know the answer to these questions.”

The crowd erupted in wild applause at Vice President Biden’s remarks.

“So I ask you,” said Vice President Biden, “to join me in supporting this vital legislation. All we have to do is look around. Look at our families. Look at our pets. Think of the consequences and ask yourselves, ‘Is it worth it?’ Join with me and together we will fend off the imminent attacks that threaten to destroy the very fabric of our nation.”

Dreadmoger is on tour with Vice President Biden and will provide updates to this story as they occur.

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