Posts Tagged Federal Bureau of Investigation

VP Biden Cites Threat of Zombie Cannibalism

Joe Biden, Vice President of the United States.

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(Dreadmonger Decatur Bureau) Speaking at a benefit luncheon today for the Widows and Orphans of the Decatur Policeman and Firefighter’s union (WODPFU), Vice President Joe Biden once again warned that if the key elements of the president’s American Jobs Act bill are not enacted into law, social order in America is at risk of completely breaking down.

“We’ve seen this before,” said Vice President Biden, “we know where this leads. The president’s bill provides for funding of jobs for policemen and firefighters. Now, let’s say that this funding is not approved – and, God knows, as I look around at the heroes in this room, I cannot imagine how it cannot be approved – but, if for some reason the funding is not approved, then it’s simple. Those jobs go away. And as well-documented statistics prove, if those jobs go away, crime goes up. And as we’ve seen time and again, in other parts of the world, when things really break down in a society, the criminal element takes total control. And, ultimately, that leads to zombie cannibals roaming the streets, attacking children, women and small domestic animals.”

The otherwise hushed crowd gasped at Vice President Biden’s description of societal breakdown.

“Now I know, I know,” said Vice President Biden, “some may accuse me of exaggeration. But just look at the facts. We have seen a marked increase in public awareness of this type of rising violent criminal behavior. On TV, in the movies, on your nightly news. It seems as if these fears are spreading like a cancer across our nation. And why is that? I believe it is because we are sensing, as a society, that if we do not act now all will be lost. Just think about your little kitty, or the family dog. Or your wife. It’s just too horrible to contemplate.”

Dreadmonger reporters inquired of Vice President Biden, “Are you aware, sir, that statistics across the nation have shown a declining incidence of violent crime beginning in 2006 and continuing through last year?”

“Are you from Fox News? Did you get those stats from Fox News?” Vice President Biden asked our reporter.

“No sir,” responded our reporter, “those statistics come from the Federal Bureau of Investigation, in their report published in February of this…”

Vice President Biden cut our reporter off here, “Now just hold your horses, son. Everybody knows that you can manipulate  numbers, cherry-picked out of some 2000 page report, to prove or disprove anything you want. I invite all these good people here to do their own research. Talk to your family. Talk to your friends and neighbors. Ask yourselves, ‘do I think I am safe? Do I really feel like I’ll be safe when the cops and firefighter’s aren’t on the job any more? Will my wife and kids be safe?’ I think, if we’re honest with one another, we all know the answer to these questions.”

The crowd erupted in wild applause at Vice President Biden’s remarks.

“So I ask you,” said Vice President Biden, “to join me in supporting this vital legislation. All we have to do is look around. Look at our families. Look at our pets. Think of the consequences and ask yourselves, ‘Is it worth it?’ Join with me and together we will fend off the imminent attacks that threaten to destroy the very fabric of our nation.”

Dreadmoger is on tour with Vice President Biden and will provide updates to this story as they occur.

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Eric Holder Announces Speedy Arrests in “Muffin-Gate Sting”

Official portrait of United States Attorney Ge...

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Eric Holder, Attorney General for the United States, announced this evening that three people have been arrested in a “Muffin-Gate Sting” operation conducted by the Department of Justice.

Mr. Holder, reading from a prepared statement, spoke with reporters tonight at the scene of the arrests in Washington, D.C.

“This ongoing operation, spear-headed by Justice along with logistics support from the Office of Homeland Security and technical support from the Federal Bureau of Investigation, was both swift and precise in execution. The joint task-team identified and arrested the three individuals who are believed to be responsible for the abuse of refreshment budgets that was uncovered earlier this week by our internal audit team.”

“The investigation had been underway for quite some time,” continued Mr. Holder, “and, as the news media broke the story this week, we felt it prudent to move forward with the arrests of the individuals previously identified in the case.”

Arrested tonight were Justice Department interns Bunny Whidmore (age 21), Trisha Maxwell (age 22), and Jennifer Bittly (age 21). The three interns were taken into custody without incident by Federal Marshalls at the apartment they share in Washington, D.C.

Mr. Holder went on to say, “We at DoJ want the American people to know that the rules are the same for every American. Even in a case like this one, where suspects Whidmore, Maxwell, and Bittley are affiliated with our Department, we will not hesitate to bring wrong-doers to swift justice.”

A Department of Justice inspector general audit released earlier this week reported that just under $500,000 was spent at ten conference events between Oct. 2007 and Sept. 2009. Those events served the legendary $16 muffins as well as snacks of Cracker Jacks, popcorn and candy bars that cost $32 per person.

“Let it be clearly known by the American people,” said Mr. Holder, “that this Department of Justice is on the job and will continue to diligently monitor conference snack abuse even when it is internal to the Department. There are no special rules when it comes to justice.”

Dreadmonger reporters requested comment from the three suspects as they were being led away in handcuffs by Federal Marshalls. We received one comment from intern Bunny Whidmore.

“Can you call my Mom for me? The conference they’re talking about happened when I was 17 years old – I was still in high school – I didn’t even work here then.”

Dreadmonger will provide updates to the story as they occur.

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D.B. Cooper Mystery Solved

F.B.I. wanted poster of D. B. Cooper

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Seattle, Washington sheriff’s Department reported today that they have finally identified the infamous airplane hijacker known as “D.B.Cooper“. The identity, though not yet officially released from the Seattle sheriff’s office, is believed to be TV personality Dr. Phil.

D.B. Cooper rose to fame in urban myth as the airplane hijacker who evaded authorities by parachuting out of a jetliner over the Pacific Northwest with $200,000 in cash. The Cooper case remains the only unsolved airline hijacking in U.S. history. In 1971, Cooper jumped from a Boeing 727 into the skies somewhere between Portland, Ore., and Seattle, WA., disappearing  with the ransom cash he collected from authorities.

Sources close to the investigation have intimated to Dreadmonger that the chief suspect in the investigation is TV’s Dr. Phil.

The source went on to say, “We think he used that money to pay off Oprah for giving him a spot on her daytime TV show.”

TV critics have long questioned Oprah’s judgement in her decision to include Dr. Phil as a regular on her show.

The unidentified source went on to say “I mean really, how else is this guy going to get on Oprah’s show? Dr. Phil? Come on, get real.”

When reporters at Dreadmonger pointed out that Dr. Phil was only 12 years old when the hijacking occurred in 1971, the source said, “Yea, well, still could have been him. Career criminals start at an early age. And besides, Dr. Phil was one beefy kid.”

Dreadmonger will provide real-time updates as the investigation unfolds.

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