Posts Tagged humor

Nancy Pelosi Makes Crazy Eyes

Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the United States Hou...

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Once again today on the floor of the US House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi made crazy eyes at the Representatives who held up their cell phone cameras.  Dreadmonger has been closely following the story on Minority Leader Pelosi which has largely been ignored by major media outlets.

This afternoon, Leader Pelosi gave an address to Congress in response to remarks received from her colleagues about her recent  comments about “life on planet earth”. She repeatedly paused throughout the speech to give her now-familiar “crazy eyes” stare to members of Congress who raised their cell phone cameras.

Members of the House were literally rolling in the aisles with laughter by the end of Ms. Pelosi’s address. Several members have speculated that Ms. Pelosi is developing a stand up comedy act that she will launch later this year. Pelosi has reportedly been evaluating her options since losing the Speakership of the House as a result of the defeat of the Democrat-controlled House last November. Many members have encouraged Pelosi to pursue comedy full-time.  One Congressman, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said today that, “Nancy is a riot. She keeps the House in stitches – she is a natural comedienne. A lot of people don’t get her stuff, it’s too oblique. She is like the Andy Kaufman of the House. Seriously, she should be on SNL or something.”

Additional rumors within the beltway have Ms. Pelosi working on a book project. A compilation of  Pelosi Tweets called “Tweets from Crazy Eyes’ Suite” is said to be in pre-production talks at Houghton Mifflin Harcourt. Our anonymous Congressman was quoted as saying, “Nancy’s Tweets are off the hook. I have to be careful where I read them. She’s seriously wack.”

Ms. Pelosi would not respond to repeated requests for comment. Dreadmonger will continue to provide updates to this story.

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Whom do you trust?

Married Couple

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37% of Married People Say They’ve Digitally Snooped on Their Spouses.

Prey for fear!

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Give us this day our daily Dread

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10 Medical Tests Men Need « CBS Houston.

The CBS affiliate in Houston had some cheery news for its male viewers today highlighting those diseases that will, in due time, claim their lives. Dreads cited included:

High blood cholesterol is one of the major risk factors for heart disease.

Blood Pressure
If you have high blood pressure, you may need medication to control it.

Cardiovascular Disease
Beginning at age 45 and through age 79, ask your doctor if you should take aspirin every day to help lower your risk of a heart attack.

Colorectal Cancer
Beginning at age 50 and through age 75, get tested for colorectal cancer.

Other Cancers
Ask your doctor if you should be tested for prostate, lung, oral, skin, or other cancers.

Sexually Transmitted Diseases
Talk to your doctor to see whether you should be tested for gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, or other sexually transmitted diseases.

Your doctor may recommend screening for HIV if you:

  • Have sex with men.
  • Had unprotected sex with multiple partners.
  • Have used injected drugs.
  • Pay for sex or have sex partners who do.
  • Have past or current sex partners who are infected with HIV.
  • Are being treated for sexually transmitted diseases.
  • Had a blood transfusion between 1978 and 1985.

If you have felt “down” or hopeless during the past 2 weeks or you have had little interest in doing things you usually enjoy, talk to your doctor about depression. .

Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm
If you are between the ages of 65 and 75 and have smoked 100 or more cigarettes in your lifetime, ask your doctor to screen you for an abdominal aortic aneurysm. This is an abnormally large or swollen blood vessel in your stomach that can burst without warning.

Diabetes, or high blood sugar, can cause problems with your heart, eyes, feet, kidneys, nerves, and other body parts.

Local TV news, delivering  time-honored solutions to the discerning viewer: Prey for fear.

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Debt Ceiling Dread

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Debt ceiling talks between President Obama and Speaker of the House John Boehner broke down today signaling the end of life on planet earth as we now know it. President Obama identified Boehner as the ” anti-Christ” and the Republican party as a whole as “less than human troglodytes”. For his part, Speaker Boehner responded by labeling President Obama  “the Lord Voldemort of our time, economically speaking”.  Boehner went on to praise the new Harry Potter movie and began to tear up as he reminded reporters once again that he has “every first edition of  every Harry Potter book”  in his home library.

Asked to comment on the debt ceiling crisis, House Minority leader Nancy Pelosi cursed, spat, and sputtered in indignation while making crazy eyes at cell phone cameras around the room.

Meanwhile in the Senate, Minority leader Mitch McConnell continued his game of pinocle with Senate majority leader Harry Reid. Reid mumbled something that reporters could not understand and raised his silver-handled cane in defiance as  journalists pressed him for a response.

Unconfirmed rumors circulated within the beltway today that former President Jimmy Carter was being called in to negotiate a truce between the two hostile camps. Reached for comment at his Georgia farm, former President Carter smiled broadly and said that the peanut crop this year was below par but he was confident that next year’s crop would be “a good ‘un”.

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Dread of the Day

Retired librarian Rosalie Melly has a problem. Her cat, Miffy, is hiding under the couch and will not come out. Ms. Melly was watching Piers Morgan on television this past Tuesday evening when, during a break, a M****** commercial was broadcast. “Why those little animated mucus people make me gag,” Melly reported. ” It got so bad this time, I threw up on Miffy, who sits in my lap and watches TV with me.”

According to Ms. Melly, Miffy was startled when she vomited and leaped from her lap, scratching her “most indelicately”. Miffy has since refused food, water, and consolation and has retreated to her hiding spot under the couch.

Ms.Melly has contacted the makers of M****** and has requested they discontinue the commercials immediately.

“I really do not believe,” wrote Ms. Melly, “that it was Piers Morgan that made me ill. I have watched him many times in the past with very little nausea. But the cartoon mucus people have repeatedly caused me to gag. This was the first time I actually vomited. Now, I am afraid to watch the TV for fear one of your adverts will come on. I am actually getting queasy just writing about it.”

Ms. Melly received a prompt, if less than satisfying, response from the makers of M******:

“Our advertising is prepared for us by an outside agency that complies with our commitment to high standards of quality and good taste. The introduction of any ad or commercial is preceded by months of consumer research. All of our ads are screened by our advertising agency, as well as our Marketing Department, to determine their effectiveness and consumer acceptability.”

“Nevertheless, preferences differ, and we truly regret that you were dissatisfied with this commercial. Please feel assured that your comments have been passed on to our Brand Manager for consideration in future advertising.”

Ms. Melly insists she will pursue the matter until she receives the satisfaction of having the “vile” commercials pulled from the airwaves.

Dreadmonger will continue to follow the story and provide updates on future developments for Ms. Melly and, of course, for Miffy.

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