Posts Tagged Jay Carney

Obama Responds to Poor Economy with “Speech-a-Thon”

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Dreadmonger Washington Bureau – The White House announced today that, in an effort to address anemic jobs performance and the overall lagging health of the U.S. economy, President Obama will embark on a 10-day “Speech-a-Thon”.

Speaking from the Press Briefing Room at the White House today, Jay Carney, White House Press Secretary, announced that President Obama will launch a 10-day, unbroken string of speeches beginning October 8 and concluding October 17.

“The speeches,” said Press Secretary Carney, “will consist of a series of presentations promoting the President’s American Jobs Act, various campaign speeches, town hall events, on-line events, basketball and golf game speeches, and speeches to his family during his ‘down’ time.”

“The President feels that we are in an urgent situation,” Mr. Carney said, “and that it is time to show his commitment to leading the nation by giving an unbroken, 10-day long round of speeches. The President will speak for the entire time with the exception of meals, bathroom breaks, and sleep. He will even give speeches during family dinners at home in the White House and during his golf and basketball games.”

Mr. Carney went on to say, “The President strongly feels that it is time to get to work. The American people are fed up with the bickering in Washington and the lack of definitive results. There is no action that leads to concrete resolution. So, the President is taking the bull by the horns and delivering his message directly to the American people via these speeches. We at the White House believe that this defines his strong leadership during this critical time in the nation’s history.”

When reporters from Dreadmonger asked if the President would be doing any policy work during the 10-day period, Mr. Carney responded, “These talks will cover a lot of policy issues and will spell out, in great detail, a lot of the groundwork that the President has laid on a host of issues that are vital to the American people.”

Dreadmonger will cover the upcoming speeches as they occur.

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Ron Suskind: “Geithner is a Werewolf, Rahm’s a Vampire”

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In an interview on MSNBC today, Ron Suskind re-iterated his claim that U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner is a werewolf and that Rahm Emanuel is a 400 year-old vampire.

Mr. Suskind’s new book, Confidence Men: Wall Street, Washington, and the Education of a President, released in bookstores today, details the inner workings of the White House during the financial crisis of 2008. Mr. Suskind appeared on MSNBC‘s Morning Joe this morning and told host Joe Scarborough that Timothy Geithner is, in fact, a werewolf and that Rahm Emmanuel is an ancient Carpathian vampire.

“It’s true,” said Mr. Suskind, “I have it on tape. We locked Tim in the basement bowling alley at the White House one night during a full moon. It’s a  frightening tape, but, you can tell its him. He just went nuts when the full moon came up. Just nuts.”

“And Rahm,” Mr. Suskind continued, “you never see Rahm out in sunlight. Only at night. Try to find a picture of him in the sun. Doesn’t exist. They had developed a network of ACORN sites that used to feed young, homeless girls up to Rahm’s office after hours. One by one, in they’d go, but they never came back out. Seriously creepy.”

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney quickly dismissed Mr. Suskind’s claims, calling them, “Specious and twisted. This is an example of Mr. Suskind’s warped imagination carrying him away. The book is pure sensationalism, full of errors and fantastic exaggeration.”

Mr. Suskind says of the White House, “They’re trying to throw up as much dust and doubt as they possibly can. But, if you get a few drinks in Christina Romer or Anita Dunn, they’ll tell you all about Rahm. It’s a different story with Tim. He can’t really help himself, poor guy. But Rahm is something else. Roams the halls at night, wearing that black cape with the red silk lining. The guy’s pure evil. He’ll suck the very life right out of you and won’t bat an eye.”

Mr. Suskind’s book goes on to document the purported ‘hostile environment’ towards women in the White House.

“Anita Dunn told me, and again, I have this on tape, that she was sick and tired of Rahm trying to get her off in a corner to bite her on the neck. That’s the real reason she left the administration. Christina too.”

Dreadmonger reporters asked Mr. Suskind about Valerie Jarrett, the Senior Advisor to President Obama.

“Well,” Mr. Suskind replied, “let’s just say you’ll have a hard time finding a recent picture of her out in the sun as well.”

Dreadmonger attempted to reach Mr. Emmanuel and Mr. Geithner for comment but they did not return our calls.

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Solyndra, George Kaiser Send Fruit & Cheese Basket to White House

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In an apparent gesture of gratitude for the $535 million in loan guarantees that the Department of Energy  provided to Solyndra, the solar panel maker and principal investor George Kaiser got together today and sent a fruit and cheese basket to the White House.

Bunny Whitmore, Assistant Under-Secretary to White House Press Secretary Jay Carney, told Dreadmonger, “It is a really nice basket. It has those big giant Florida grapefruits and peaches that are the biggest I’ve ever seen. And the cheese is out of this world.”

Solyndra has been having a tough time of it lately. The firm announced last week that, despite the generosity of the DOE and the American taxpayer, it would be forced to lay off all 1100 of its employees, close its doors, and file for bankruptcy protection.

The White House-sponsered loan guarantee given to the solar panel maker was intended to create 1,000 full-time “green jobs” once Solyndra’s new plant was up and running. But intense competition from Chinese manufacturers proved too much for the California-based company.

The Obama administration promoted Solyndra as an example of  the ability of “green technology” to create jobs. In his visit to the Solyndra’s new factory in 2010, the President said, “it is just a testament to American ingenuity and dynamism and the fact that we continue to have the best universities in the world, the best technology in the world, and most importantly the best workers in the world. And you guys all represent that. ”

Solyndra opened in 2005 and in 2009 received the Obama administration’s first energy loan guarantee. The $535 million was intended to mitigate the risk to venture capital firms that were funding the start-up. A major investor in Solyndra, George Kaiser, has been identified as a bundler for President Obama’s 2008 campaign, raising large amounts of cash for that effort.

The House Energy and Commerce Committee has been probing Solyndra’s loan guarantee and in July issued a subpoena to the White House Office of Management and Budget for documents relating to all Energy Department loan guarantees.

“This is really bad news,” said House Energy and Commerce Committee Chairman Fred Upton (R-Mich.). “Half a billion dollars of taxpayer money and we may end up holding the bag. This is just a classic case of fraud and abuse and waste.”

Meanwhile, back at the White House, Bunny Whitmore was passing around samples from the fruit basket to members of the Press Secretary’s staff. “I must admit,” said Ms. Whitmore, “I don’t know who these Solyndra guys are but, I sure hope they remember us again at Christmas time.”

Dreadmonger will provide updates to this story as they become available.

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White House Endorses Bachmann for President

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At the White House Press Briefing today, Jay Carney, White House Press Secretary, took the unusual step of announcing that the White House will endorse Michelle Bachmann as the Republican nominee for President in 2012.

“On the strength of the straw vote in Iowa, coupled with her strong performance at the Iowa State Fair,  we think that Ms. Bachmann is clearly the front-runner for the Republican Party. We really like her as the 2012 Republican nominee for President.”

“There is no other candidate,” Carney went on to say, “that has the  energy and momentum that we see coming from Ms. Bachmann’s campaign. She has ignited a real spark out there and she has captured the imagination of the voters in Iowa. We see this as carrying through nicely all the way through to the election next year.”

Jake Tapper of ABC News pressed Carney about the viability of Ms. Bachmann as compared to some of the other Republican candidates in the running, notably Mitt Romney and Texas Governer Rick Perry. Carney went on to say, “There’s not much comparison, really. We see those two as virtually unelectable. ‘Individual Mandate’ Romney and ‘George W’ Perry simply don’t have the staying power or gravitas that we see in Ms. Bachmann’s campaign. There’s too much old baggage there. We just don’t see how that would make sense for the Republicans.”

“And beyond that,” Carney continued, “you have, what, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, Herman CAIN?  Get serious.”

When reporters from Dreadmonger inquired as to the widely reported possibility that Sarah Palin might enter the race, Carney replied, “We think Ms. Palin would compliment Ms. Bachmann well. We see her as a key potential for energizing the ticket. Bachmann / Palin in 2012? Sounds like a powerful combination to us.”

Anonymous sources at the White House told Dreadmonger that senior campaign strategist David Axelrod will meet later today with reporters from the New York Times and MSNBC to further discuss how to best promote Bachmann / Palin for the upcoming 2012 Presidential race and to explore ideas on how they might be able to tie Christine O’Donnell to the ticket.

Dreadmonger will provide updates as the story develops.

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