Posts Tagged Joe Biden

VP Biden Cites Threat of Zombie Cannibalism

Joe Biden, Vice President of the United States.

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(Dreadmonger Decatur Bureau) Speaking at a benefit luncheon today for the Widows and Orphans of the Decatur Policeman and Firefighter’s union (WODPFU), Vice President Joe Biden once again warned that if the key elements of the president’s American Jobs Act bill are not enacted into law, social order in America is at risk of completely breaking down.

“We’ve seen this before,” said Vice President Biden, “we know where this leads. The president’s bill provides for funding of jobs for policemen and firefighters. Now, let’s say that this funding is not approved – and, God knows, as I look around at the heroes in this room, I cannot imagine how it cannot be approved – but, if for some reason the funding is not approved, then it’s simple. Those jobs go away. And as well-documented statistics prove, if those jobs go away, crime goes up. And as we’ve seen time and again, in other parts of the world, when things really break down in a society, the criminal element takes total control. And, ultimately, that leads to zombie cannibals roaming the streets, attacking children, women and small domestic animals.”

The otherwise hushed crowd gasped at Vice President Biden’s description of societal breakdown.

“Now I know, I know,” said Vice President Biden, “some may accuse me of exaggeration. But just look at the facts. We have seen a marked increase in public awareness of this type of rising violent criminal behavior. On TV, in the movies, on your nightly news. It seems as if these fears are spreading like a cancer across our nation. And why is that? I believe it is because we are sensing, as a society, that if we do not act now all will be lost. Just think about your little kitty, or the family dog. Or your wife. It’s just too horrible to contemplate.”

Dreadmonger reporters inquired of Vice President Biden, “Are you aware, sir, that statistics across the nation have shown a declining incidence of violent crime beginning in 2006 and continuing through last year?”

“Are you from Fox News? Did you get those stats from Fox News?” Vice President Biden asked our reporter.

“No sir,” responded our reporter, “those statistics come from the Federal Bureau of Investigation, in their report published in February of this…”

Vice President Biden cut our reporter off here, “Now just hold your horses, son. Everybody knows that you can manipulate  numbers, cherry-picked out of some 2000 page report, to prove or disprove anything you want. I invite all these good people here to do their own research. Talk to your family. Talk to your friends and neighbors. Ask yourselves, ‘do I think I am safe? Do I really feel like I’ll be safe when the cops and firefighter’s aren’t on the job any more? Will my wife and kids be safe?’ I think, if we’re honest with one another, we all know the answer to these questions.”

The crowd erupted in wild applause at Vice President Biden’s remarks.

“So I ask you,” said Vice President Biden, “to join me in supporting this vital legislation. All we have to do is look around. Look at our families. Look at our pets. Think of the consequences and ask yourselves, ‘Is it worth it?’ Join with me and together we will fend off the imminent attacks that threaten to destroy the very fabric of our nation.”

Dreadmoger is on tour with Vice President Biden and will provide updates to this story as they occur.

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Occupy Wall Street Gains Support of Obama Administration (and Others)

Occupy Wall Street Chihuahua 2011 Shankbone 3

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(Dreadmonger – Zucotti Park – NY) Occupy Wall Street has gained the support of several key interest groups in the past week and it looks as if the Obama Administration is starting to take notice.

Just some of the groups who have announced their support of the movement in recent days:

In addition to the backing the movement has received from key support groups, several influential politicians have offerred their support for Occupy Wall Street as well. They include:
  • Senator Russ Feingold
  • Mohammad Ezzeldin, Egyptian Protest Advocate
  • Van Jones, the Obama Administrations former “Green Jobs Czar”
  • Congressman Barney Frank (D-NY)
  • Jim Lane, leader of the Communist Party USA
  • Iran Mullah Ayatollah Seyyed Ali Khamenei

Speaking of the protest movement, Senior White House Advisor, and head of President Obama’s re-election campaign, David Plouffe recently told Washington Post reporters, “We intend to make it one of the central elements of the campaign next year.”

Vice President Joe Biden, speaking of Occupy Wall Street, said, “The American people do not think the system is fair or on the level.”

President Obama himself has said of the movement, “I think it expresses the frustrations the American people feel, that we had the biggest financial crisis since the Great Depression, huge collateral damage all throughout the country … and yet you’re still seeing some of the same folks who acted irresponsibly trying to fight efforts to crack down on the abusive practices that got us into this in the first place…”

President Hugo Chavez of Venezuela, still recovering from a recent surgery, recently addressed the demonstrators via Venezuela State TV. In response to President Chavez’s message, crowds at the  New York protests erupted with cheers of  joy, raising a giant hammer and sickle in victory. President Chavez said, “This movement of popular outrage is expanding to 10 cities and the repression is horrible, I don’t know how many are in prison now.”

As the movement gains momentum, it is attracting celebrity activists. Kanye West , Michael Moore, Roseanne Barr, Tim Robbins, and Al Sharpton were among those who took time out to visit with protesters in Zucotti Park.

As the president continues his bus tour of North Carolina and Virgina, he is subject to criticism about his credibility on the issue of Wall Street. “The president is vacuuming money out of Wall Street,” said North Carolina GOP chairman Robin Hayes. Hayes made reference to the president’s campaign fund-raising machine which continues to receive millions of dollars from financial firms.

Virginia GOP chairman Pat Mullins added, “You’ve got to wonder why any leader of the free world would condone this kind of thing or even encourage it,” he said, noting that protesters continued to clash with New York policemen daily.

Dreadmonger will provide updates as the story develops.

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DNC Unveils 2012 Campaign Slogan: “Let’s Take Out These Lynching, Racist, Terrorist SOB’s and Send Them Straight to Hell!”

Debbie Wasserman Schultz, official photo portr...

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Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, head of the Democratic National Committee, announced the party’s campaign tag-line for the upcoming 2012 elections:

“Let’s Take Out These Lynching, Racist, Terrorist SOB’s and Send Them Straight to Hell!”.

Congresswoman Wasserman-Schultz introduced the new slogan at a rally held jointly by the SEIU and AFL-CIO in Decatur yesterday.

“We believe the new tag-line will re-energize the base of loyal, caring, hard-working middle-class voters who have been marginalized by the efforts of those on the right, especially the so-called Tea Party Movement.”

The tag-line was created by a DNC sub-committee consisting of Congressman Andre Carson, James Hoffa, Jr., Congresswoman Maxine Waters, and Janine Garofalo. It was approved by Ms. Wasserman-Schultz and Vice President Joe Biden.

“The committee debated for quite a while,” said Congresswoman Wasserman-Schultz, “over adding the word ‘Lying’ to the slogan. That would have made it ‘Let’s Take Out these Lying, Lynching, Racist, Terrorist SOB’s and Send Them Straight to Hell!’ . We thought that sounded better, with the slight alliteration on the L’s. But, ultimately, we felt there were two problems with that wording. First, it just made it too long, and second, we thought that might have taken it over the line a little bit. We are trying to keep the discourse civil. We don’t want to coarsen the debate.”

The slogan will be introduced on DNC 2012 Campaign materials, television and radio ads, and will be prominently featured in internet banner ads.

“We think it captures the moment and sums up where the party stands on the important issues of the day.” said Ms. Wasserman-Schultz.

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But Wait, There’s More! Obama To Add Second VP

President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe ...

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President Obama’s re-election campaign announced today that the President will add a second Vice President who will share duties with current Vice President Joe Biden.

David Axelrod, campaign strategist for the President’s re-election committee, met briefly with reporters this afternoon outside the Hercules Industries Battery and Wind Turbine manufacturing facility in Decatur where he was touring with the President.

“President Obama sees this as a balanced, innovative, and pragmatic solution to the challenges that face the US today,” Axelrod told reporters. “By adding a second Vice President to assist the President and Vice President Biden in meeting the urgent demands that face the country today, we are, in effect increasing the size of the core Executive team by 50%. We see this move as an enabler to more effective management and a real time saver for the President.”

Axelrod went on to say, “As the President’s re-election campaign kicks into high gear, consuming more and more of the President’s time, the two VP’s will pick up a lot of the day-to-day responsibilities. For example, Vice President Biden is already managing affairs in the middle east for the President and he has taken the lead role in negotiating the recent debt and deficit proposals with Congress.”

“We see the new guy, or who knows,” Axelrod said with a slight smile, “maybe we’ll have a woman in the role this time. But we see this new person as someone who can take on many of the more substantive functional and tactical activities that currently fall squarely on the President’s shoulders.”

When asked by reporters if the President had a short list of candidates he was considering for the post, Axelrod would only comment that, “The President has not shared that with me but, I am sure he does have some ideas.”

“Jaime’s a good man and, the President feels that we do have some repair work to do with big business. But I really don’t have any idea if he is a candidate for the position or not.”

Reporters from Dreadmonger inquired if the creation of a second position of Vice President was strictly legal under the Constitution.

Axelrod responded by saying, “Well, we haven’t really got all the answers there yet. But if there is some kind of a clause or something in the Constitution that specifically says you can only have one Vice President, we thought we would just change the new name to Viceroy, or Assistant VP, you know, something like that. How does Vice Chancellor sound to you?”

Axelrod ended the meeting with reporters saying, “Gotta run now, guys. The President has a golf game to get to and he’s flying out early tomorrow morning for 10 well-deserved days off  in Martha’s Vineyard with Michelle and the kids. We’ll keep you posted as this idea gets fleshed out.”

Dreadmonger will provide updates as they become available.

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