Posts Tagged John Boehner

Washington’s a Ghost Town – Pages Say, “Let’s Party!”

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Congress is away on vacation, the Republican party is off campaigning in Iowa, and President Obama will soon head out to Martha’s Vineyard for his summer break. Washington looks a lot like a ghost town these days.

So, the Capitol pages have a great idea: “Let’s party!”

It has been over 175 years since these young Americans first donned their signature blue blazers and entered into service to their country as Capitol messengers. A job as a Congressional page has been a badge of pride and honor and has often led its members on to successful careers in the world of politics.

But soon the young pages will vanish from the US House of Representatives. The two culprits: budget cuts and improvements in technology.

“They waited until they were all out of Washington to tell us,” a spokesman for the pages told Dreadmonger. “Some junior level guy from the Congressional Office of  Management and Budget gave us our pink slips. We’ve been outsourced to a Blackberry. Unbelievable!”

The letters sent to the pages were actually jointly signed by Speaker John Boehner and  House minority leader, Nancy Pelosi. Concerns about the program’s costs and effectiveness in an age of instant communication via smartphone led the House leadership to their decision to eliminate the pages. It is likely that  the controversy and scandal that has rocked the page program hasn’t helped much.  Several Congressional members have been accused of being a little too close to their blue-coated assistants in recent years.

In an exclusive interview with Dreadmonger, Perry X, anonymous leader of the House pages, said, “So, this week-end, we are having the monster party of all time on the floor of the House. Mom and Dad are out-of-town so, the pages will rock!”

“There’s a wicked bar in the back room at the House. You can’t imagine how well-stocked this dog is. We’ll start hitting that baby hard some time Friday afternoon. And they have this great smoking room with a walk-in humidor stocked with real Cuban cigars. It will be epic.”

When reporters from Dreadmonger inquired as to how the pages planned to gain access to one of the nation’s most highly secured locations for a party, Perry just smiled.

“You know, with this ‘PS’ rumor floating around, we have found our ex-bosses to be… most accommodating.”

The “PS” Perry refers to is the legendary “Page Scrapbook”. The scrapbook is shrouded in Congressional myth and mystery and its existence has never been independently confirmed. According to legend, it is purported to contain a 175-year old collection of documents, photos, and in more recent years, videos cataloguing the day-to-day  interface between pages and their Congressional counterparts. Perry refused Dreadmonger’s repeated requests to confirm the existence of the ‘PS’.

“Look, it’s all Washington urban myth,” Perry went on to say. “Nothing but political fantasy. Especially this latest fairy tale going around that there are certain articles of clothing that have made their way into the ‘PS’. Seriously, there is nothing to it at all.”

Perry’s Blackberry began buzzing. “Eric, my man!” he answered. “Hold on a minute bro…”.

With that, Perry abruptly ended the interview with Dreadmonger. “Sorry guys, need to wrap it up.”

He mouthed silently to Dreadmonger reporters, “Got to take this one.”

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President Obama Spams Us

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Americans, listen up… your President is spamming tweeting reaching out to you...

President Obama opened the Twitter floodgates today in an effort to rally support for his bid to pressure Congress to get it together and solve the debt ceiling crisis adventure. The President’s staff tweeted out the Twitter names of all US Republican Congressional representatives – all of them – one by one – to everyone who follows the President. This regardless of the Representative‘s state of residence. So, the lucky recipients got LOTS of addresses that had no relationship whatsoever to their state’s representative. Cool!

Tech savvy Americans responded heartily to the President’s reach-out by bailing on him. 37,000  so far (still counting…)  have pulled the plug on the President’s Twitter account.

Meanwhile, back in the House, Nancy Pelosi quoted Dreadmonger’s post from this past Friday, July 22. 2011, declaring an “end to life as we know it on Planet earth.”  She once again made crazy eyes to all the cell phone cameras in the House chamber as an added treat for her Congressional colleagues.

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Debt Ceiling Dread

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Debt ceiling talks between President Obama and Speaker of the House John Boehner broke down today signaling the end of life on planet earth as we now know it. President Obama identified Boehner as the ” anti-Christ” and the Republican party as a whole as “less than human troglodytes”. For his part, Speaker Boehner responded by labeling President Obama  “the Lord Voldemort of our time, economically speaking”.  Boehner went on to praise the new Harry Potter movie and began to tear up as he reminded reporters once again that he has “every first edition of  every Harry Potter book”  in his home library.

Asked to comment on the debt ceiling crisis, House Minority leader Nancy Pelosi cursed, spat, and sputtered in indignation while making crazy eyes at cell phone cameras around the room.

Meanwhile in the Senate, Minority leader Mitch McConnell continued his game of pinocle with Senate majority leader Harry Reid. Reid mumbled something that reporters could not understand and raised his silver-handled cane in defiance as  journalists pressed him for a response.

Unconfirmed rumors circulated within the beltway today that former President Jimmy Carter was being called in to negotiate a truce between the two hostile camps. Reached for comment at his Georgia farm, former President Carter smiled broadly and said that the peanut crop this year was below par but he was confident that next year’s crop would be “a good ‘un”.

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