Posts Tagged McDonalds

Mayor Bloomberg Closes Occupy Wall Street to Install Food Court

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(Dreadmonger – Zucotti Park) At a press conference held this morning on the steps of City Hall, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced that Zucotti Park, home of the original Occupy Wall Street movement, had been cleared of all protesters, tents, tarps and sleeping bags, in order to be cleaned and prepped for the installation of a food court. Police officers moved in last night to remove protesters and to clear the area to allow New York sanitation workers to begin their efforts to clean and sanitize the park. 200 arrests were made in the process but, no serious injuries were reported.

The new food court will open for business on Monday, November 21, just in time for the Thanksgiving holiday. The new facility will be anchored by a McDonald’s and will include a Panda Express, a Sbarro Italian Deli, an Orange Julius, a Hot-Dog-On-A-Stick, and a Pinkberry Frozen Yogurt shop.

“The Occupy Wall Street movement,” noted Mayor Bloomberg, ” has reached a size and permanency where we believe the nutritional needs of the protesters are best served via a food court model not unlike what you might find at your local shopping mall. This allows for fast and convenient food service to protesters in a compact area. The food court will offer, if I may say so, a good deal of variety at a great price. We plan to have good old American cheeseburgers from McDonalds, Chinese food from Panda Express, Italian cuisine from Sbarro’s, the ever popular Hot-Dog-On-A-Stick, and frozen yogurt from Pinkberry’s for a refreshing, low-fat dessert.”

Reporters from Dreadmonger asked the mayor if there was any truth to the rumor that plans had been discussed with the Mayor’s Office to open additional retail outlets. Reporters noted that rumored deals for an Urban Outfitters store, a Wicks & Things candle store, and a Build-A-Bear store, along with competing stand-alone kiosks for AT&T and Verizon cell phones, have been swirling around City Hall in the days leading up to today’s announcement.

The mayor responded, “We are in discussions with a number of companies about the possibility of providing those retail outlets that might best serve the demographic we see here with the protesters in the park. But, let me assure you, we have not made any deals beyond what I have announced today with the food court. Should we go any further in our efforts to provide services to the peaceful protesters that this great city serves, you folks will be the first to hear about it.”

“Let me remind everybody, New York City is the city to come and express ourselves,” Bloomberg said. “We have a history of being warm and welcoming, and what was happening in Zuccotti Park was not that. It developed into a situation, which was prohibiting a lot of people from expressing their views.”

“We see the addition of the food court services as just one step in addressing some of the deficiencies in the current situation,” added Mayor Bloomberg, “This will be our first step in making Zucotti Park, once again, a warm and welcoming spot for all. Let’s be real here for a minute; how can anyone be angry when you’re drinking a frosty Orange Julius and eating a Hot-Dog-On-A-Stick?”

Dreadmonger called the Build-A-Bear company for comment but, thus far, they have not returned our calls.

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Ivy League Grads Applying for Advanced Degrees at Hamburger U

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In what appears to be a response to the ever-tightening U.S. job market, college grads from a host of Ivy League schools have applied in record numbers for graduate programs at McDonald’sHamburger University“.

“It’s astonishing, really,” said Glenn Bapsbittley, dean of admissions at the Fred L. Turner Training Center, AKA McDonald’s  “Hamburger University”, in Elk Grove Village, Illinois. “We have not seen this level of interest since we introduced the Chicken McNugget.”

The University, which describes itself as the “global center of excellence for McDonald’s operations training and leadership development“, prepares its students for a career in fast food management. The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics has forecast this as one of the fastest growing management professions in the broader U.S. labor market.

Speaking on behalf of new students at Hamburger University, Malcolm Spurswell, Yale graduate from the class of 2010 said, “I am incredibly fortunate to have obtained admission to this prestigious institution. I firmly believe that this is the best place for me in my quest to become a key contributor to the country’s economic future.”

McDonald’s Hamburger University has received over 28,000 applications for the 175 graduate positions that will open this fall.  “We hope to expand the program next year to accommodate as many as 200 students,” said Mr. Bapsbittley.

Many of the students who didn’t make the grade to enter Hamburger U this year have taken entry-level positions at their local McDonald’s. Victoria Wang, Phi Beta Kappa honors graduate from the MBA program at Princeton University said she hopes that her experience working “on the grill” will propel her into consideration for next year’s class at Hamburger U. “If I have to work here for the next few years in order to achieve my dreams of attending Hamburger U, I will gladly pay my dues. The end goal makes it all worth while.”

Mr. Bapsbittley added, “It is heartwarming to see the youth of America diligently pursuing their educational aspirations. We are proud to play our part in building towards their future success.”

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