Posts Tagged Occupy Wall Street

Alec Baldwin Declared “Greatest Living Hypocrite” by Guinness

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(Dreadmonger London Bureau) – Guinness World Records, Ltd. announced today in London that Alec Baldwin has been declared “World’s Greatest Living hypocrite” for his recent string of scathing tweets associated with the Occupy Wall Street movement.

Baldwin has repeatedly declared his support for the movement centered in Zuccotti Park in New York City, despite the fact that he has been the long-time TV pitchman for Capital One Credit Cards, a division of Capital One Bank, N.A., one of the largest banking conglomerates in the U.S.

Tweeting today about Mayor Bloomberg‘s action to clear the park last night, Baldwin said, “Bloomberg’s NY is no place for the 1st amendment. Bloomberg serves Wall Street, now and forever. And Wall Street cannot handle free speech.”

Baldwin went on to say, “NYC bends over backwards 2 give costly tax breaks 2 corps that threaten 2 leave NY. Whether those corps create sufficient jobs or not.”

Baldwin visited the Occupy Wall Street “Base Camp” in Zuccotti Park on October 18 to offer his support to loyal protesters. Baldwin was followed by chanting Ron Paul supporters and only stayed on site a short time.

Baldwin recently completed filming on his latest Capital One “Whats in your wallet?” commercial.

Sir Rudy Gilfalstone, Executive Managing Director of Awards for Guinness World Records, Ltd., told reporters from Dreadmonger that Baldwin was a natural pick for the award.

“As we have seen,” said Sir Gilfalstone, “Mr. Baldwin has done a superb job of displaying his sputtering, righteous indignation at those who would give opposition to the Occupy Wall Street movement while at the same time, perfecting his smarmy delivery as chief credit card pitchman for one of the largest banks in the world. We see this as rather exquisite irony. Mr. Baldwin wins the ‘World’s Greatest Living Hypocrite’ award hands down. Simply an epic performance. Marvelous, really.”

“And, to be perfectly honest,” said Sir Rudy, “we did not have anyone else who approached this expert level of hypocrisy. The only other person we looked at was Michael Moore. For obvious reasons, we chose not to go with Mr. Moore.”

Dreadmonger will cover the Guinness Awards Ceremony pending the scheduling of that event.

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Mayor Bloomberg Closes Occupy Wall Street to Install Food Court

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(Dreadmonger – Zucotti Park) At a press conference held this morning on the steps of City Hall, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced that Zucotti Park, home of the original Occupy Wall Street movement, had been cleared of all protesters, tents, tarps and sleeping bags, in order to be cleaned and prepped for the installation of a food court. Police officers moved in last night to remove protesters and to clear the area to allow New York sanitation workers to begin their efforts to clean and sanitize the park. 200 arrests were made in the process but, no serious injuries were reported.

The new food court will open for business on Monday, November 21, just in time for the Thanksgiving holiday. The new facility will be anchored by a McDonald’s and will include a Panda Express, a Sbarro Italian Deli, an Orange Julius, a Hot-Dog-On-A-Stick, and a Pinkberry Frozen Yogurt shop.

“The Occupy Wall Street movement,” noted Mayor Bloomberg, ” has reached a size and permanency where we believe the nutritional needs of the protesters are best served via a food court model not unlike what you might find at your local shopping mall. This allows for fast and convenient food service to protesters in a compact area. The food court will offer, if I may say so, a good deal of variety at a great price. We plan to have good old American cheeseburgers from McDonalds, Chinese food from Panda Express, Italian cuisine from Sbarro’s, the ever popular Hot-Dog-On-A-Stick, and frozen yogurt from Pinkberry’s for a refreshing, low-fat dessert.”

Reporters from Dreadmonger asked the mayor if there was any truth to the rumor that plans had been discussed with the Mayor’s Office to open additional retail outlets. Reporters noted that rumored deals for an Urban Outfitters store, a Wicks & Things candle store, and a Build-A-Bear store, along with competing stand-alone kiosks for AT&T and Verizon cell phones, have been swirling around City Hall in the days leading up to today’s announcement.

The mayor responded, “We are in discussions with a number of companies about the possibility of providing those retail outlets that might best serve the demographic we see here with the protesters in the park. But, let me assure you, we have not made any deals beyond what I have announced today with the food court. Should we go any further in our efforts to provide services to the peaceful protesters that this great city serves, you folks will be the first to hear about it.”

“Let me remind everybody, New York City is the city to come and express ourselves,” Bloomberg said. “We have a history of being warm and welcoming, and what was happening in Zuccotti Park was not that. It developed into a situation, which was prohibiting a lot of people from expressing their views.”

“We see the addition of the food court services as just one step in addressing some of the deficiencies in the current situation,” added Mayor Bloomberg, “This will be our first step in making Zucotti Park, once again, a warm and welcoming spot for all. Let’s be real here for a minute; how can anyone be angry when you’re drinking a frosty Orange Julius and eating a Hot-Dog-On-A-Stick?”

Dreadmonger called the Build-A-Bear company for comment but, thus far, they have not returned our calls.

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“Authentic” Protesters to Occupy Occupy Wall Street

Day 20 Occupy Wall Street October 5 2011 Shank...

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(Dreadmonger – Zuccotti Park) Saul (no last name given) is rallying his troops for a march on Zuccotti Park. Saul is the titular leader of a group dubbed the  “Authentic” protesters who are launching their bid to occupy Occupy Wall Street.

“These guys,” Saul told reporters from Dreadmonger this afternoon, “are totally bogus. I heard on NPR today that they have trademarked the name ‘Occupy Wall Street’. Just look around you, man, look at all the bogus t-shirts. Somebody’s cashing in here. We’re going to put a stop to these materialistic pigs. We are going to occupy Occupy Wall Street!”

It seems that Saul, and his band of a dozen or so supporters, are out to make sure the protesters in Zucotti Park are genuine in their intentions and not just showing up to cash in on the movement’s newly found success in attracting media attention.

“This started out as a sincere movement,” Saul said, “but, now, it’s all about making a buck on the coat tails of the people who originally came down here to express an idea. To bring unity to the under-represented 99% of America. Now, it’s all about pre-printed signs and silk-screened t-shirts and trademarks, for crying out loud. And Alec Baldwin. Give me a break – guy is on TV hawking Capital One credit cards. He’s coming down here to get on Entertainment Tonight. Him and that fat guy that makes all the documentaries. He seems to show up whenever there’s free stew.”

“So, our mission,” Saul continued, “is to occupy the occupiers. To get them out of our protest. Maybe they can go protest down at Times Square or someplace where they can get better media coverage for their new t-shirt designs.”

Dreadmonger will provide updates as the “Authentic” protesters launch their occupation.

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“Cop Car Pooping Wimps” – Greek Protesters Denounce Occupy Wall Street

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(Dreadmonger Mediterranean Bureau) Greek protesters today decried the Occupy Wall Street protesters as “cop car pooping wimps.”

Constantine X, who made the charge speaking on behalf of Greek anarchists, went on to say, “These soft-bellied Americans do not have the stomach for real protest. My goodness, sleeping in the park. How naughty these rebels are!”

Aristarchos (no last name), a spokesman for the Greek communist protesters, added, “These people in the Wall Street are wearing their bunny slippers and pooping on police cars while we here in Athens are risking our lives daily to demonstrate our commitment to save our people from this oppressive regime of capitalist Euro-trash. Did you see the brick I just threw at that policeman? Just look at YouTube and you will see me. These Americans don’t know the first thing about protest. Even the Italians know how to burn a car or two.”

“Yah,” continued Constantine X, “these American sissies should have another latte and go home to watch Oprah on TV. This is the real center of global protest, here in Athens. We anarchists are defending the rights of all Greeks against real oppression.”

Aristarchos added, “It’s true. Even these good Greek anarchists are not as wimpy as these American ‘Occupy’ people with their iPads in their sleeping bags.”

“What do you mean, ‘wimpy’?” asked Constantine X.

“I mean,” continued Aristarchos, “everyone knows the real strength here in the streets has been with the communists. You anarchists are soft compared to the sacrifices we communists have made during the many months our protest has endured. You guys only come out on sunny days. When it was raining all last week, there was not a single anarchist in sight. Probably home watching Oprah!”

Your protest? Is that the way it is?” replied Constantine X. “I saw you last week taking a Starbucks break with your girlfriend at a little out-of-the-way place where the press corps hangs out. Probably getting your girl to apply your make-up for your next YouTube video.”

“Anarchist bastard!” said Aristarchos.

“Communist bitch!” replied Constantine X.

At this point Dreadmonger reporters were forced to abruptly end the interview due to the unavailability of Messrs Constantine X and Aristarchos.

Dreadmonger will continue to provide updates to the protests on Wall Street and in Athens as news develops.

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Occupy Wall Street Gains Support of Obama Administration (and Others)

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(Dreadmonger – Zucotti Park – NY) Occupy Wall Street has gained the support of several key interest groups in the past week and it looks as if the Obama Administration is starting to take notice.

Just some of the groups who have announced their support of the movement in recent days:

In addition to the backing the movement has received from key support groups, several influential politicians have offerred their support for Occupy Wall Street as well. They include:
  • Senator Russ Feingold
  • Mohammad Ezzeldin, Egyptian Protest Advocate
  • Van Jones, the Obama Administrations former “Green Jobs Czar”
  • Congressman Barney Frank (D-NY)
  • Jim Lane, leader of the Communist Party USA
  • Iran Mullah Ayatollah Seyyed Ali Khamenei

Speaking of the protest movement, Senior White House Advisor, and head of President Obama’s re-election campaign, David Plouffe recently told Washington Post reporters, “We intend to make it one of the central elements of the campaign next year.”

Vice President Joe Biden, speaking of Occupy Wall Street, said, “The American people do not think the system is fair or on the level.”

President Obama himself has said of the movement, “I think it expresses the frustrations the American people feel, that we had the biggest financial crisis since the Great Depression, huge collateral damage all throughout the country … and yet you’re still seeing some of the same folks who acted irresponsibly trying to fight efforts to crack down on the abusive practices that got us into this in the first place…”

President Hugo Chavez of Venezuela, still recovering from a recent surgery, recently addressed the demonstrators via Venezuela State TV. In response to President Chavez’s message, crowds at the  New York protests erupted with cheers of  joy, raising a giant hammer and sickle in victory. President Chavez said, “This movement of popular outrage is expanding to 10 cities and the repression is horrible, I don’t know how many are in prison now.”

As the movement gains momentum, it is attracting celebrity activists. Kanye West , Michael Moore, Roseanne Barr, Tim Robbins, and Al Sharpton were among those who took time out to visit with protesters in Zucotti Park.

As the president continues his bus tour of North Carolina and Virgina, he is subject to criticism about his credibility on the issue of Wall Street. “The president is vacuuming money out of Wall Street,” said North Carolina GOP chairman Robin Hayes. Hayes made reference to the president’s campaign fund-raising machine which continues to receive millions of dollars from financial firms.

Virginia GOP chairman Pat Mullins added, “You’ve got to wonder why any leader of the free world would condone this kind of thing or even encourage it,” he said, noting that protesters continued to clash with New York policemen daily.

Dreadmonger will provide updates as the story develops.

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Harry Reid Sentences Millionaire’s to ‘Occupy Wall Street’

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Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) announced today that he and his Democratic colleagues in the Senate would put forth a new proposal to pay for President Obama’s American Jobs Act bill. Their latest proposal, which will be released in its entirety by week’s end, places a greater tax burden on people whose income is more than $1 million a year. The version of the proposal outlined by Leader Reid today would have these wealthy individuals forfeit all of their assets and income and join the Occupy Wall Street protesters for a period of at least six months.

“We think that this accomplishes two of our main goals,” said Leader Reid. “First, it provides a mechanism for these millionaires to finally pay their fair share and second, it gives them the opportunity to live on the street amongst those individuals in our society who are suffering as a direct result of their financial misdeeds. We see this as fiscally prudent. And, it provides an element of poetic justice.”

Top Senate aides said that, under the proposal, millionaires would be required to actually live on Wall Street, make signs, and participate in the daily demonstrations conducted by the Occupy Wall Street protestors for a minimum of six months.

Aides went on to say that this was just one of several proposals that Democrats were pursuing  to pay for the president’s proposed bill. By looking for alternatives, the Democrats are clearly signalling that they do not have the support of their caucus to pass the bill as it is currently written.

President Obama has asked the congressional super committee to identify another $ half trillion in savings to pay for the jobs measure. This is beyond the $1.2 trillion in spending reductions the committee is chartered with finding in support of the deficit reduction plan.

To pay for the proposal, the White House has recommended limiting itemized deductions for individuals making more than $200,000 a year along with closing certain tax loop-holes and implementing the “Buffett Rule” for an increase in capital gains tax rates.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid will introduce his “millionaire’s plan” as an alternative aimed at addressing concerns raised by his caucus with the president’s proposal.

“We believe our “millionaire’s plan” offers financial benefits along with a generous helping of American justice. We think this will be popular with the American people and we believe that these guys will fit right in down there at Occupy Wall Street.”

Dreadmonger will provide updates to the story as they become available.

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