Posts Tagged United States Department of Justice

Eric Holder Announces Speedy Arrests in “Muffin-Gate Sting”

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Eric Holder, Attorney General for the United States, announced this evening that three people have been arrested in a “Muffin-Gate Sting” operation conducted by the Department of Justice.

Mr. Holder, reading from a prepared statement, spoke with reporters tonight at the scene of the arrests in Washington, D.C.

“This ongoing operation, spear-headed by Justice along with logistics support from the Office of Homeland Security and technical support from the Federal Bureau of Investigation, was both swift and precise in execution. The joint task-team identified and arrested the three individuals who are believed to be responsible for the abuse of refreshment budgets that was uncovered earlier this week by our internal audit team.”

“The investigation had been underway for quite some time,” continued Mr. Holder, “and, as the news media broke the story this week, we felt it prudent to move forward with the arrests of the individuals previously identified in the case.”

Arrested tonight were Justice Department interns Bunny Whidmore (age 21), Trisha Maxwell (age 22), and Jennifer Bittly (age 21). The three interns were taken into custody without incident by Federal Marshalls at the apartment they share in Washington, D.C.

Mr. Holder went on to say, “We at DoJ want the American people to know that the rules are the same for every American. Even in a case like this one, where suspects Whidmore, Maxwell, and Bittley are affiliated with our Department, we will not hesitate to bring wrong-doers to swift justice.”

A Department of Justice inspector general audit released earlier this week reported that just under $500,000 was spent at ten conference events between Oct. 2007 and Sept. 2009. Those events served the legendary $16 muffins as well as snacks of Cracker Jacks, popcorn and candy bars that cost $32 per person.

“Let it be clearly known by the American people,” said Mr. Holder, “that this Department of Justice is on the job and will continue to diligently monitor conference snack abuse even when it is internal to the Department. There are no special rules when it comes to justice.”

Dreadmonger reporters requested comment from the three suspects as they were being led away in handcuffs by Federal Marshalls. We received one comment from intern Bunny Whidmore.

“Can you call my Mom for me? The conference they’re talking about happened when I was 17 years old – I was still in high school – I didn’t even work here then.”

Dreadmonger will provide updates to the story as they occur.

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DOJ Probe Targets Clapton

Eric Clapton performing live at the TUI Arena ...

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Assistant Secretary to the  Bureau Chief of the Decatur office of the Department of Justice Raul Garcerra said today that noted guitarist Eric Clapton has been targeted by the DOJ in an on-going investigation into his “prolonged and protracted use of guitars made from illegally imported and endangered materials.”

“Through a deep undercover investigation,” Mr. Garcerra told Dreadmonger reporters, “we have learned that Mr. Clapton has most likely been a user of Gibson guitars for many, many years. We think he heads a network of like-minded  individuals who repeatedly use and may even distribute these illegal instruments for financial gain.”

Citing Mr. Clapton’s Crossroads organization as the potential hub of the alleged distribution organization, Mr. Garcerra went on to say, “We believe we have a case that goes far beyond illegal use and enters into the realm of reckless distribution and, potentially, racketeering.”

The Department of Justice raided Gibson Guitar’s Memphis and Nashville, Tennessee manufacturing facilities on August 24th. During the raid, government agents confiscated millions of dollars worth of exotic woods which were believed to have been illegally imported.

Gibson CEO Henry E. Juszkiewicz believes the company has been unfairly targeted. Juszkiewicz said federal authorities have not talked to him about the situation.

“They need to start talking to us. If there is a problem we would be happy to fix it. We’re not aware of one,” he said. The CEO has maintained consistently that all woods were imported legally and that Gibson has all of the required permits to prove it. Political pundits have speculated that the DOJ was attempting to intimidate Juszkiewicz, a long-time supporter of Republican political candidates.

Mr. Garcerra went on to allege that Mr. Clapton is “part of an underground network of users who continue to use, promote, and distribute these Gibson guitars on a global basis,” through his Crossroads organization.

When Dreadmonger reporters informed Mr. Garcerra that Mr. Clapton’s Crossroads organization was involved in drug rehabilitation at his Crossroads Centre in Antigua, Mr. Garcerra replied, “We believe this alleged ‘Rehab Center’ is actually a front for using and distributing these illegal instruments.”

When Dreadmonger reporters noted that Mr. Clapton is a world-renowned guitarist who has been at the pinnacle of artistic expression for his instrument for the past four decades, Mr. Garcerra replied, “Well, people thought Bernie Madoff was at the pinnacle of his profession too. Look how that turned out.”

Mr. Clapton could not be reached for comment.

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