Posts Tagged Valerie Jarrett

Ron Suskind: “Geithner is a Werewolf, Rahm’s a Vampire”

Rahm Emanuel, White House Chief of Staff, form...

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In an interview on MSNBC today, Ron Suskind re-iterated his claim that U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner is a werewolf and that Rahm Emanuel is a 400 year-old vampire.

Mr. Suskind’s new book, Confidence Men: Wall Street, Washington, and the Education of a President, released in bookstores today, details the inner workings of the White House during the financial crisis of 2008. Mr. Suskind appeared on MSNBC‘s Morning Joe this morning and told host Joe Scarborough that Timothy Geithner is, in fact, a werewolf and that Rahm Emmanuel is an ancient Carpathian vampire.

“It’s true,” said Mr. Suskind, “I have it on tape. We locked Tim in the basement bowling alley at the White House one night during a full moon. It’s a  frightening tape, but, you can tell its him. He just went nuts when the full moon came up. Just nuts.”

“And Rahm,” Mr. Suskind continued, “you never see Rahm out in sunlight. Only at night. Try to find a picture of him in the sun. Doesn’t exist. They had developed a network of ACORN sites that used to feed young, homeless girls up to Rahm’s office after hours. One by one, in they’d go, but they never came back out. Seriously creepy.”

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney quickly dismissed Mr. Suskind’s claims, calling them, “Specious and twisted. This is an example of Mr. Suskind’s warped imagination carrying him away. The book is pure sensationalism, full of errors and fantastic exaggeration.”

Mr. Suskind says of the White House, “They’re trying to throw up as much dust and doubt as they possibly can. But, if you get a few drinks in Christina Romer or Anita Dunn, they’ll tell you all about Rahm. It’s a different story with Tim. He can’t really help himself, poor guy. But Rahm is something else. Roams the halls at night, wearing that black cape with the red silk lining. The guy’s pure evil. He’ll suck the very life right out of you and won’t bat an eye.”

Mr. Suskind’s book goes on to document the purported ‘hostile environment’ towards women in the White House.

“Anita Dunn told me, and again, I have this on tape, that she was sick and tired of Rahm trying to get her off in a corner to bite her on the neck. That’s the real reason she left the administration. Christina too.”

Dreadmonger reporters asked Mr. Suskind about Valerie Jarrett, the Senior Advisor to President Obama.

“Well,” Mr. Suskind replied, “let’s just say you’ll have a hard time finding a recent picture of her out in the sun as well.”

Dreadmonger attempted to reach Mr. Emmanuel and Mr. Geithner for comment but they did not return our calls.

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Carville Offers Obama a New Plan – Fire, Indict, Punch ‘Em in the Face!

American political consultant James Carville.

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“The course we are on is not working. The hour is late, and the need is great. Fire. Indict. Fight.” James CarvilleCNN 9/15/11.

Those are harsh words James. The Democratic strategist, in an opinion piece today for CNN, offered his prescription to President Obama for turning around the flagging performance of the Democrats in light of this week’s election results in New York and Nevada. Carville spoke with his usual candor, ratcheted up a notch.

Carville’s four point plan:

1) Fire somebody! Just look around you, lots of folks to choose from here. Jarrett, Holder, Geithner, take your pick. Nobody will miss them, and you’ll be cheered. Maybe even given a ticker tape parade.

2) Arrest somebody! Start with this Solyndra deal. What a cluster that one was! Surely there is some DOE or OMB honcho you can tag for this one. If not, go with Biden. He’s a joke anyhow and that frees up a valuable, wasted slot on the VP ticket.

3) Re-hire someone you fired, fire them again, and then arrest them. Make a spectacle of it. The Romans had it figured out with the Colliseum. They recognized that people love blood and spectacle. Give it to them and then, give them some more.

4) Punch somebody in the face! Not literally, of course, but figuratively. Humiliate somebody brutally and  in public. I would think a Plouffe or an Axelrod would be good here. And, of course, Robert Gibbs. Everybody in the whole country hates that guy. You could sell tickets for that one. Sell out an arena. No, wait, you want to sell out an arena, make fun of Paul Krugman. You could make that guy cry, easy.

Carville said his plan was designed to protect the nation from “these creationism-loving, global-warming-denying, immigration-bashing, Social-Security-cutting, clean-air-hating, mortality-fascinated, Wall-Street-protecting Republicans”.

When asked what advice he would give the White House, Carville said, “One word comes to mind: Panic.”

Dreadmonger attempted to reach Mr. Carville to ask him what he really thinks. He has not yet returned our phone calls.

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