Posts Tagged YouTube

“Cop Car Pooping Wimps” – Greek Protesters Denounce Occupy Wall Street

Anarchist poster on a wall in Thessaloniki, Gr...

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(Dreadmonger Mediterranean Bureau) Greek protesters today decried the Occupy Wall Street protesters as “cop car pooping wimps.”

Constantine X, who made the charge speaking on behalf of Greek anarchists, went on to say, “These soft-bellied Americans do not have the stomach for real protest. My goodness, sleeping in the park. How naughty these rebels are!”

Aristarchos (no last name), a spokesman for the Greek communist protesters, added, “These people in the Wall Street are wearing their bunny slippers and pooping on police cars while we here in Athens are risking our lives daily to demonstrate our commitment to save our people from this oppressive regime of capitalist Euro-trash. Did you see the brick I just threw at that policeman? Just look at YouTube and you will see me. These Americans don’t know the first thing about protest. Even the Italians know how to burn a car or two.”

“Yah,” continued Constantine X, “these American sissies should have another latte and go home to watch Oprah on TV. This is the real center of global protest, here in Athens. We anarchists are defending the rights of all Greeks against real oppression.”

Aristarchos added, “It’s true. Even these good Greek anarchists are not as wimpy as these American ‘Occupy’ people with their iPads in their sleeping bags.”

“What do you mean, ‘wimpy’?” asked Constantine X.

“I mean,” continued Aristarchos, “everyone knows the real strength here in the streets has been with the communists. You anarchists are soft compared to the sacrifices we communists have made during the many months our protest has endured. You guys only come out on sunny days. When it was raining all last week, there was not a single anarchist in sight. Probably home watching Oprah!”

Your protest? Is that the way it is?” replied Constantine X. “I saw you last week taking a Starbucks break with your girlfriend at a little out-of-the-way place where the press corps hangs out. Probably getting your girl to apply your make-up for your next YouTube video.”

“Anarchist bastard!” said Aristarchos.

“Communist bitch!” replied Constantine X.

At this point Dreadmonger reporters were forced to abruptly end the interview due to the unavailability of Messrs Constantine X and Aristarchos.

Dreadmonger will continue to provide updates to the protests on Wall Street and in Athens as news develops.

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Billy JobsJobsJobs – Decatur Man Scores

Official seal of the USPTO

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When Delco closed its Decatur plant in early 2009, William T. Zenger, Plant Superintendent, was left without a job. He did, however, receive a generous early retirement package from Delco along with enrollment  in Career Blast-Off, a local job-coaching firm.

“They were talking about ‘Networking’,” says Zenger. ” What, I’m going to network with the guy who ran the blow-molding machine? I don’t think so.”

But Career Blast-Off had another idea that caught Zenger’s attention – self-branding.

“So, I’m in this seminar and they’re talking about self-branding. You know, like on Facebook, and Twitter and such. So, I says to the wife, why not?” Zenger decided to put the funds he received in his retirement package to good use.

Last April, William T. Zenger legally changed his name to Billy JobsJobsJobs. In addition to changing his name, he has filed with the US Patent and Trademark office for a registered trademark, has acquired the domain name “BillyJobsJobsJobs.com”, and is investigating patent protection for future rights to all uses of the term “JobsJobsJobs”.

In an interview with Dreadmonger, Zenger, make that Billy JobsJobsJobs, said, “So, my lawyers tell me it works like this: whenever anyone uses the term ‘JobsJobsJobs’, they have to pay me a royalty. So, if, for example, in this article, each time you use the term, you have to pay me a royalty of .07 cents. Each time. So, say you uses it 10 times, you owe me, what’s that, almost a penny.”

“Now, I know a penny don’t sound like much but, hey, this term’s used a lot!”

Billy JobsJobsJobs has developed a spreadsheet model projecting his income from the venture.

“The spreadsheet shows I’ll be a millionaire by Thanksgiving and, by the end of the 2012 election, I’ll be a card-carrying member of the billionaire’s club.”

JobsJobsJobs sees this as an investment in his family’s economic future.

“You know,” he says, ” I could have just used this retirement money to live off of – watched it dwindle  down to nothing. This way, my lawyers say I’m developing an on-going revenue stream that will last into perpetuity. Got to think of the future for Debt and Deficit, you know?”

“Debt” and “Deficit” are the new legal names of Billy JobsJobsJobs’ children, William “Bucky” Zenger (now “Debt”) and Ashley Rose Zenger (now “Deficit”).

“At first, I thought it kinda sucked,” reported Debt Zenger. “But, then, I got to thinking I could use it my act.” Debt is a  DJ and budding rap artist, performing at his Roseland Middle School dances (Go Devils!). “So, now I go by ‘B Da Debt’. Chill, huh?”

When Dreadmonger tried to reach Deficit, the former Ashley Rose, for comment, she would only scream through her bedroom door “I’m not coming out ’til I’m eighteen!”.

Billy JobsJobsJobs said, “We have two goals for that girl, me and No Tax Hikes: to keep her off the pole and get her into a good college, you know?”

“No Tax Hikes”, is, you guessed it, the new legal name for Billy’s wife, the former Beverly Zenger.

“My Billy’s just so smart,” says No Tax Hikes, “he has this all planned out on a spreadsheet and everything. And he’s working with the top professionals in the field.”

JobsJobsJobs has retained the services of  Wanchell Hayes, the talent management firm directing the careers of such luminaries as Richard Heene (“Balloon Boy’s” dad), former Survivor and Celebrity Apprentice star Richard Hatch, and Joe the Plumber. Wanchell Hayes is preparing to launch a social media campaign with multimedia exposure via  YouTube, local infomercials, and regional cable access channel broadcasts.

When Dreadmonger noted to JobsJobsJobs that the US Patent and Copyright Office typically does not grant protection for names and slogans, he responded “Yea, my brother-in-law Randall tried to tell me that too. But, he’s dead wrong. My lawyers are top shelf. These guys know their stuff. They wouldn’t steer me wrong. I mean, I’m into this a bundle, you know?”

Dreadmonger phoned JobsJobsJobs’ law firm, Blickensberg, Melly, and Spenkheiser, for comment  but, thus far, they have not returned our calls.

Publisher’s note: In tracking all trademarked names used in this publication, Dreadmonger publishers have determined that Mr. JobsJobsJobs is entitled to $0.013 in total or more than 30% in excess of his projection of less than $.01. Dreadmonger has forwarded a check to Mr. JobsJobsJobs in the amount of $.02 due to our bank’s prohibition of checks in increments of less than a penny. The net payment to Mr. JobsJobsJobs from Dreadmonger, therefore, is more than DOUBLE his original projection for the article.

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Stay-at-Home Mom Blogs – The Cult of Mommyhood

Two women cooking

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Visit the world of blogs and bloggers and you’ll find topics from the mundane to the exotic. One popular subject that turns up increasingly in the blogoshere explores the trials and tribulations of the stay-at-home mom. These blogs often chronicle the challenges of first-time moms in dealing with raising toddlers,  planning nutritious meals, managing their ever-thinning household budgets, dealing with meddling mothers-in-law, and keeping their often over-worked (and non-participating) husbands in tow. But recently, some have begun to call into question the real message of these blogs. Some have even begun to use words like ” inflammatory” and “seditious”.

Can you say… “subversive’?

In a recent interview with Dreadmonger, Lilith Neusenblum, author of the soon-to-be published book, The Cult of Mommyhood, cited reasons for her concern over the burgeoning movement of blogging moms.

“It’s really like the Borg on the old Star Trek shows,” said Neusenblum, “it’s like they all think with one mind. Obsessed with IKEA,  Yo Gabba Gabba, and poopee diapers. Seriously, who wants to read this crap? They live in this archaic Leave it Beaver universe that hasn’t existed in the real world for over forty years.”

Charles “Buster” Jones, executive producer of the upcoming TV reality show, Gangsta Family, premiering this fall on The History Channel, added, “Don’t talk to me about Leave it to Beaver. You don’t want to go there with my boys, for sure. These mommies are acting like some kind of a gang of their own. I wouldn’t want to come up on them in a dark alley at midnight.”

Sociologists at Harvard’s prestigious Blickensberg Institute for the Study of Deviant Behavior,operating under a grant from the US Department of Education, have gone so far as to index over 3329 stay-at-home-mom blogs to cross-reference recurring themes. Speaking with Dreadmonger in a recent interview, the Institute’s head, Dr. Gunther Haas said, “We see a pattern that can only be called compulsive, obsessive, even robotic. Of particular concern is the sub-movement we have noted in recent years for the home-schooling of children. This is broadly viewed in the academic community as a form of indoctrination of the young towards ideologies that may not be in concert with what we believe to be the greater good of society.”

On the subject of home-schooling, American Federation of Teachers representative Fran Spenkheiser noted, “These mommies think that they can just teach at the kitchen table all day long without participating in the greater educational labor movement. Well, get ready mommies, the AFT is on its way to sign you up as dues-paying members.” Spenkheiser went on to note that the AFT plans to launch a drive this fall to unionize the home. “The door is open, and we’re moving in.”

Cult of Mommyhood author Neusenblum went on to add, “And then there’s the never-ending  pictures of the kids! Who wants to see pictures of other people’s sticky kids for crying in a bucket? It’s like cats on YouTube – enough already! Go bowling, buy some roller-blades – get a life!”

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